Bob Dylan is Darth Vad– Nevermind….

This post was originally supposed to be a Star Wars haiku. Then after google searching to see if that had been done before, it had. Many times. See here for yourself-

I mean, I guess it makes sense. What hasn’t been done or made in the name of Star Wars? From action figures, video games, to bed sheets. All of them done better than I could ever hope to pull off. But I did come up with one observation, that I thought hadn’t previously been discussed- a Bob Dylan/Darth Vader connection. Oh wait nevermind, that’s right here-

My expansion of the idea, to really bring it home-

So you can see my frustration then right? I didn’t want to give up, so I tried hard to come up with another weird comment or take on Star Wars that hadn’t been done before. I failed miserably. Star Wars recipes– done already.

Ice sculptures– also done before. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it. And these were so beautiful, that I forgot about being angry. Only for a second though.

Feeling bruised and beaten, I slowly crawled back to my original idea. But instead of just a Star Wars haiku, I narrowed my focus. This time I would do a haiku about Star Tours, the Star Wars themed motion simulator attraction at Disneyland. If you haven’t already experienced it, you sit on vibrating chairs, with a giant screen in front of you simulating space travel. It’s great. Anyway, here’s my haiku-

“Star Tours”

The name of the ship

Is Starspeeder 3000

Darth Vader is cool

Hopefully this blog post taught you to always follow your heart, and never give up on your dreams. Or maybe I just find a lot of ways to waste time. It’s up to you really. I always try to add a lot of layers to my shit. I’m pretty deep like that.


How To Talk Fancy

I’ve come a long way since my days as an orphan pickpocket. I’ve grown and matured into a fine young gentleman. Yes, a lot of my riches were aquired from things I stole, or the people I stabbed. But there’s more to my lavish life style than just material objects. I had to learn how to talk like a sophisticate. To articulate myself in a snobbish, yet poetic way, to impress my pretentious friends. I did that mainly by adding the word “enthusiast” to everything that I enjoy. It made my lowbrow or borderline stupid interests sound amazing. You can try it on your own time though, because I don’t want to hear it right now. This is about me, and I’ll cut you a red smile from ear to ear if you interrupt me! I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. You can take the boy off the streets, but you can’t take the streetrat out of the boy. Where were we? Oh yes, enthusiast…

1. Wine enthusiast– My mom drank the stuff constantly when I was in the womb. So you could say I started drinking at an early age. Think of the umbilical cord as a beer bong connected to your stomach. Except instead of beer it was cheap boxed wine. I don’t blame her though, because I would’ve been drinking it regardless. It’s cheap, tastes great, and you get a ton. So many flavors too. My favorite is the Sangria. Drink a box of that, and you’ll wake up outside everytime. Guaranteed. I guess you could say my mom loved it to death.

2. Saxophone enthusiast– I don’t understand why so many songs lack saxophones these days. A good solo can spice up the mood, get the party started, or even incite a revolution. Saxophones were the only thing that kept me going after my mom passed. I was living in Murder Alley at the time, and they came as a sweet relief. Either from street musicians or from blasting radios in apartments above me. When I wasn’t witnessing murders, I was fighting to survive. I fought cats, giant rats, and vagabonds on a daily basis. If it wasn’t for the saxophone solo in Billy Ocean’s “Caribbean Queen,” I’d probably still be there.

3. Train enthusiast– I did a lot of freighthopping, or “riding the rails,” during my teen years. As long as you didn’t get caught by the railroad police, you got yourself a free ride. My only advice would be to keep to yourself, and always carry a blade. Those hobos are a lonely bunch if you catch my drift. They just want to be loved like everybody else, but sometimes they aren’t very patient about it. Luckily I had my training on the streets, and only had to kill two men over the four years. Plus the great thing about a moving train, is when you a throw a dead body off something moving that fast, you’re long gone by the time they find it. If the vultures leave anything behind that is.

4. Art enthusiast– Once I moved onto stealing bigger and better things, art was one of them. I partook in a lot of heists during that time of my life. Friday night we’d do a museum, then Saturday hit a mansion. No big deal really. That’s where I made most of my fortune, dealing in the art black market. People always ask how I know so much about art. But to tell you the truth, it’s just so I know how much I can sell them for. But don’t worry, I’m not completely void of appreciation. I kept all the naked lady paintings for myself.

5. Exercise enthusiast– Every weekend I hold “invite only” cage matches in an underground bunker, beneath my mansion. This is another way I make my money. I take a house percentage for hosting the fights. But it’s not like that sissy UFC stuff you see on TV. These are death matches. Bare knuckle, with only one rule- There are no rules. If you don’t attempt an eye gouge, fish hook, or groin punch in the first round, you’re disqualified. And disqualified is just another way of saying death by fire ants. So be a man (or woman) and get your licks in. Besides a good cardio workout, you can actually say you know what it’s like to kill a man. Oh and you get stacks of cold hard cash, with complementary blood splatters on them.

My Playlist For Sandwich Eating

I don’t generally enjoy my food, unless it’s accompanied by music. It could have something to do with the fact that I always eat alone (girls like a man of mystery). Or that music naturally enhances the palette. I have several “sandwich playlists” on my Ipod, that I turn on when I’m eating. The songs vary greatly depending on my mood, and the sandwich I’m ingesting. But for your sake, I’ve tried to include my favorite sandwich/song pairings. May you enjoy your own solitary eating concertos.

1. Beach Boys: Good Vibrations- It starts out kind of slow and airy, then really picks up the pace. If that’s not how you should eat an eggplant parmesan, than I don’t want to live anymore.

2. Huey Lewis: Hip to be Square- Okay, technically a quesadilla isn’t a sandwhich. But I just can’t help but giggle to the irony of eating a circular food to this song.

3. Sex Pistols: Anarchy in the U.K.- What’s more important? Being healthy, or staying true to yourself and not selling out? Not selling out, of course. So everytime I eat a burger made of turkey instead of beef, I listen to the Sex Pistols. I pretend Sid Vicious is spitting on me, as I take every bite. Man, I’m so punk…

4. Louie Louie: The Kingsmen- Whenever I’m eating a sandwich with some kind of mystery meat or spread on it, I listen to Louie Louie. You don’t know what you’re eating, but dammit, it still taste great. That’s just like Louie Louie. Nobody knows what they’re saying, but tell me that song isn’t amazing?

5. Celine Dion: My Heart Will Go On- This is my sloppy joe song. As I’m sure you already know, eating a sloppy joe can be an emotional roller coaster. They’re so good, but they’re also incredibly messy. It’s an internal conflict every time I do sit down to eat one. That’s why I need a song that can match my mood and emotions. Thank you Celine. Thank you.

Purchasing Meds

Come one, come all! If you have an ailment, than I have the cure! You no longer have to worry about dangerous diseases like measles, blindness, or pregnancy. From deep into the Orient, to our own backyard. I’ve seen it all folks! Step right up and see! Here are just a few of my magical remedies-

Devil Be Gone Elixer– Is your child a ginger? Is someone else you know plagued with the curse of fire? Being touched by the devil is serious business. Don’t let him take away any more of your loved ones. Turn their hair from red to brown, with a simple pour of the elixer. Made from holy water, and actual mud touched by John the Baptist. You can finally go back to church, and be seen in public without persecution.

Sea Serpent Powder– Made from scales of the great underwater creature herself- the loch ness monster! Only three people known to man have caught a glimpse of this magnificent beast. I, the only one to touch her, was able to grab a handful of scales on that fateful day.  Scales that I then turned into a powder. A powder more rare and valuable than all the gold in the world. Mix one spoonful into your tea, twice a day. It’s guaranteed to cure impotence and any other issues pertaining to bad character.

Bottled Moon Beams– Tired of candles? Are lanterns too expensive? What’s this electricity you speak of? Believe me, I understand completely. Light your house for all eternity, with the power of the moon! Harnassed from fallen moonbeams found in Antarctica, and bottled for your convenience. You’ll never need another light source again. (Disclaimer- Will not work until night, so don’t ask. And I will not be here, for I have another pressing engagement in a nearby town. No refunds).

Wild Bobcat Muscle Balm– Made from genuine bobcat musk, this balm will guarantee you the strength of ten bobcats. In certain occasions, bobcats have even proven to be stronger than bears. You’ll be stronger than a bear! Now ain’t that swell? Just make sure and rub on your muscles before a good workout, and notice results instantly with the dames, and your punch!

Joan of Arc Wart Remover– Based on beauty secrets passed down from the centuries. This is the same recipe that Joan of Arc used to keep her face pretty and wart free during battle. And you know it’s the bee’s knee’s because it comes from France! France is just another way of saying fancy. You’ll be the bell of the ball at all your lady functions. You may even get the attention of that fella you’ve had your eyes on.

Have Yourself A Doc Holliday

It’s easy to get caught up in the mundane.  You know the feeling.  When everyday starts to blend into the next.  What you need is a change.  You can’t just live for the weekend, and vacations are all too rare.  So instead of waiting for a holiday, throw your own.  A “Doc Holliday” if you will. (Disclaimer– This holiday is based on the Val Kilmer interpretation, not the actual person.  The real Doc, was a horrible dentist and a drunk, who also happened to shoot at people a lot.  It doesn’t take skill or charm to do any of those things.  I’m sorry, let’s get back to the “Holliday”.)

1.  Arrive to work drunk – I don’t ever encourage drunk driving.  So I recommend bringing a flask of your strongest corn mash, and parking first in your work parking lot.  Drink the entire flask there on the spot before entering the office (For best results, don’t eat breakfast.  Booze is always easier on an empty stomach).  As you enter your cubicle, and turn your computer on, you should be feeling the effects.  The next thing you know, you’re awoken by a puzzled/disgusted co-worker. He seems to have found you passed out at your desk, covered in your own vomit.  When he gives you that look of shame, you look him in the eye and say, “I have not yet begun to defile myself.”  He probably won’t understand what you’re saying through all the mumbling.  But you finally got to say that line to someone, and that makes it all worth it.

2.  Start gambling – Word of your drunkenness has probably already started to spread in the office at this point.  So the time before you get thrown out by security is limited.  Hobble over to the water cooler, and invite some co-workers over to your cubicle for some poker.  When they stare at you in disbelief, take a drunken bow, and say, “I’m in my prime.”  But don’t bow too low, that you fall over.  If that happens, simply say, “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.”  Then make your way back to your desk, and play on-line poker instead.  You can yell things at the screen, and challenge invisible players to duels.  It’s fun!

3.  Enjoy barroom antics – At this point, you should probably leave “sick” for the day, before you get fired.  But since you shouldn’t drive anywhere, just walk over to the local T.G.I. Friday’s (everyone has one).  Serving shitfaced patrons at noon is not uncommon there, so you can blend right in.  It’ll most likely be college kids, but you can be the cool old guy/gal.  Do things Doc would do to impress them – 1. Say fancy words like Huckleberry and cosmopolitan.  2. Do coin tricks.  3. Twirl a shot glass (but save this for the end, because they don’t make tin ones with handles anymore, and you’ll most likely shatter it).

4.  Get ready for a showdown – You most likely got kicked out of T.G.I. Friday’s.  Be proud of yourself, because that’s hard to do.  You can either wait for the police, or call your significant other to come pick you up.  When he/she finds out what you did today, it will most definitely be a showdown.  The Gunfight at the O.K. Corral will have nothing on the verbal thrashing you are about to recieve.  But it beats sitting in a drunk tank, where everyone can see you pee.

5.  Be happy you don’t have tuberculosis – Without a doubt, you’ve made a huge ass of yourself today.  Everyone in the office will most likely look down on you as long as you work there.  You’re probably going to have to sleep on the couch tonight, and nothing will compare with the hangover you’re about to experience when you wake up.  But at least you don’t have tuberculosis.  You won’t die a slow, painful death.  Like life is putting a giant plastic bag over your face, and forcing you to run with it.  You’ll never have to worry about wiping pieces of “lung” off your TPS reports.  At the end of the day, you may not have your dignity, but you have your health.  Not to mention some great memories, or lack thereof.  Isn’t that what a good “Holliday” is about?

I Love Being High

Apparently April 20th (or 4/20 as most tend to call it), is “international get high day.” Which is fantastic for me, because I finally get one day out of the year that I can talk about my passion with other enthusiasts. I should have been born a bird. Sometimes I even have dreams I’m flying. But until they perfect the birdman serum or learn to graft wings to people successfully, I’ll just have to use what options I have to achieve flight.

1. Kites– Who doesn’t like brightly colored tethered aircrafts? I mean they can look like dragons, sharks, or even quadrilaterals. Usually I like to make bologna sandwiches, then go to the park with my kite. It’s fun, and free! Plus when I look up at the kite, I pretend I’m riding on it. That way nobody can see me, and make fun of my eczema.

2. Planes– I like the big 747s. But I have more interest in biplanes. They just have a lot more character, and you really get to feel the wind in your face. Plus I had a big aerial dogfight phase when I was a teenager.

3. Mountainous Ranges-Everyone loves the Himalayas, or Mount Kilimanjaro. But my favorite moutain is the Matterhorn at Disneyland. It has a fun ride, and a silly snow monster. You never have to worry about frost bite, lack of oxygen, or resorting to cannibalism to survive there.

4. Jumping- I have a love/hate relationship with jumping. Because I love getting airborne, but I hate coming down again. I guess if you love something though, you can’t just love the good parts. It’s about finding a compromise, and growing together. And to me jumping is worth it.

5. Watching The Air Up There– The only thing I love more than being high, is probably Kevin Bacon. Plus he’s so good at jumping in this movie, that it’s almost like flying. I usually just fast forward to all those scenes. I don’t really care about basketball, because sports are stupid. And people that play them remind me of all the jerks in the lockeroom, that used to make fun of my eczema.

Wedding Proposal Ideas

Being a romantic, I like to surprise my girlfriend from time to time. Whether it’s picking flowers or hiding her purse, I like to keep it interesting. Since we’ve been together a while now, I think it’s time to pop the question. But it has to be done in an amazing way of course. Not just “we went to a fancy restaurant”, or “I popped the question on a scoreboard”. That’s lazy and done to death. So I’ve been brainstorming, and I came up with a few ideas.

1.  An explosion – This idea came from the Backdraft ride that used to be at Universal Studios. It was more of an attraction than a ride I guess. But you would walk through a burning building with fake oil barrels exploding. Yeah I know, pretty romantic right? My own plan, was something similar. I would walk us to the car for a nice evening out. Then say- “Hold on babe, I forgot something in the house”. Suddenly our house explodes. As she’s getting up from up the blast, I walk out of the flames. I get down on one knee, and pull out a ring. She’s so happy that I’m alive and proposing, that she won’t even be mad about me blowing up our house. Totally worth it. She’ll be bragging to her friends about it forever.

2.  Tomahawk throwing – Every Sunday we go tomahawk throwing. I know, no suprises there. But this time, after she goes to retrieve her ax from the target, I’ll throw mine. The blade narrowly missing her face, will lodge directly on the end of her handle. Not only will she be completely impressed by my marksmanship, but she’ll notice something shiny scotch taped to my handle. A beautiful engagement ring. I’ll be just like Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans.

3. Letters in the sky – I’m sure you’ve seen people write “cute messages” in air plane smoke, to a significant other. If you haven’t, don’t worry. It’s lame. Plus you can never see it very well, and it dissappears too quickly. If I do it, I’m going to rent a fucking spaceship. Imagine reading “Will you marry me?” from space shuttle smoke. It’s like writing with permanent marker instead of pencil. Plus it’s not like NASA’s doing anything with them lately anyway. I can probably get the whole thing done for dirt cheap. I bet you can even see the message from Mars.

4.  Archaeological dig – She’s big into archeology. I know what a nerd. Well anyway, I’ll go on one of her digs, and “help out”. When she’s off in another section, dusting or whatever, I’ll scream- “Hey what’s this? It looks like an ancient ceramic Greek serving vase!” She’ll come running over, along with the rest of the team. Now with an entire audience, I get down on one knee holding the vase. Then I smash it, revealing inside a magnificent wedding ring. Yes, I’ve just destroyed a priceless artifact. But I’ve also finally popped the question. So her and the rest of the team can’t be too mad. It’ll be such a joyous time, that we’ll stop digging in the desert. Then we’ll get hammered drunk, and I’ll be a hero.

5.  Blacksmithing – Next time I’m busy at the anvil, she’ll think I’m working on a new broadsword (which I’ll have strategically out for display). Then when she comes out to bring me my lunch of elk steaks and barley wine, I’ll ask her to search the blade for flaws. As she’s looking over the molten orange blade, I’ll pull out the newly crafted ring I’ve made ahead of time. She will weep with happiness, as we get to work making offspring for the coming winter cabbage harvest.

Be Your Own Steampunk

Most likely, you already have a vast knowledge of Steampunk.  But for those of you who don’t, it’s quite simple.  The dictionary describes it as, “a setting where steam power is widely used—whether in an alternate history such as Victorian era Britain or ‘Wild West’-era United States…”  So basically cowboys with jetpacks.  I know, finally.  Plus there’s a whole steampunk community out there, that dress up and build steampunk costumes.

Instead of watching from the rooftops, I decided to make my own steampunk gear.  Now before you ask, yes I made these myself, and yes they really run on steam.  And no they’re not for sale.

1.  Steampunk goggles – Obviously when you’re flying around on a jetpack, you’re going to need protective eyewear.  I crafted these frames from a special type of dragon steel, and the lenses are made of diamond.

2.  Jetpack – Unfortunately I can’t seem to stay airborne for more than an hour or two.  But it’s still a work in progress.  I imagine by the end of the week, my visits to Sky City will go unencumbered.

3.  Steam phone- I feel this is pretty self-explanatory.

4.  Steam powered zeppelin pump – I can only imagine how they used to fill zeppelins up before the invention of steam power.  It must have taken ages.  Mine is a replica of the actual steam pumps used in the “Le Zeppelin Wars of 1840”.

5.  Steampowered butterknife – This knife running purely on steam alone, can butter an entire loaf of bread in under 15 minutes.  To good to be true?  Impossible you say?  Wrong. Fact!

Dear Genghis Khan

I understand you have an empire to build. But what you did to my village this last week was inexcusable. Was it really necessary to burn all the huts, crops, and livestock? Destroying even half that amount, would have made your point. It will now take months to get things back to normal, if even possible at all. Plus with winter coming, it’s only going to make our chores that much more difficult. You try to explain all this to the surviving tribe members. We were grumpy before this attack, so don’t even get me started on the overall mood now.

And another thing, you didn’t have to do it so rudely. Arrows, daggers, and javelins hurt enough. Then add the name calling and teasing, and you’re no better than the Turks. Honestly before all this, I had heard nothing but good things- “He allows freedom of religion”, and “he prohibits blood feuds”. But I can’t say I witnessed any of that. Instead I spent my Saturday digging graves, when I should have been relaxing. Thanks for that.

I expect repayment of all my possessions, and additional sums for the loss of my family members. Please send by caravan or inform me on where to pick them up. If I am ambushed at any time, then you can consider that price going up. I am signing this letter in blood, so you know that I mean business. You have until the end of the season to make good on this payment.


Concerned Citizen

5 Ways To Deal With Depression

Dealing with depression can be difficult. I can only talk from second hand experience of course. I’ve never been depressed. I have millions of dollars, and a beautiful girlfriend who makes me grilled cheese sandwiches. But being an avid observer of human behavior, I’ve come up with a few tips that seem to work. At least with the thousands of people I’ve treated. I’ll let you be the judge, and by all means try them if you’ve been inflicted with this illness of sadness.

1.  Be happy the Vikings are dead – When you get up every morning and notice that your loved ones aren’t being raped and pillaged, you already have something to be happy about. You don’t have to bury your money, or worry about being eaten alive either. That’s pretty good right? Not to mention if they did keep you alive, they’d most likely camp out in your house and make you serve them food (among other things). Plus vikings partied way too hard, and your Playstation 3 would definitely be broken. And don’t even get me started on having to clean up mead vomit.

2.  Start an opium den – I know what you’re thinking- “We already have crack houses polluting American neighborhoods. The last thing we need is more drugs.” And I agree with you 100%. Crack is a disgusting habit. It’s harmful to the user and the community. But opium dens have one thing that crack houses lack. Class. Opium dens usually have beautiful lavander cushions, a full serving staff, and a relaxing ambiance. How could someone be depressed in that environment? Not to mention you’ll most likely be asleep from the opium. And you can’t be depressed if you’re asleep.

3.  Be extreme – Adrenaline is a stronger emotion than sadness. It’s impossible to be depressed when you’re hang gliding or wrestling alligators. The human brain can only process one thing at a time. So if you’re busy “pushing it to the limit”, then you’re mind will be occupied with staying alive. Next time a morose thought comes along, just strap on the rollerblades, and go off a sick jump.

4.  Try to imagine what Gene Hackman would do – Mr. Hackman is most likely the best actor the world has ever seen (and will see). He could act his way out of a metal box, surrounded by lasers. Whether it’s drama, action, comedy, or romance. There’s nothing he can’t dominate. So whenever you’re sad, just channel Gene Hackman. Act like you’re happy and funny. If you do it long enough, you’ll fool the people around you, and they’ll like you again. Heck you might even fool yourself! You’ll have friends lining up around the block to hang out with the fake you. Way to go kid.

5.  Listen to the Frasier theme song – Walk into a room full of sour faces. Then watch those same faces explode into smiles when you start playing the Fraiser theme song. How can you not beam with joy after hearing Kelsey Grammer’s silky sweet voice singing about tossed salad and scrambled eggs? Nobody knows what it means, but who cares. It just sounds fun!

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