How To Be A Gentleman

As many of you know, I come from well-bred stock. I am most comfortable in polite society, surrounded by other great minds and people of class. I scoff at cheap liquors and consume only the finest spirits. But at times, I lower myself to teach the lesser educated minds, the ways of a gentleman. Part of this cannot be taught, because you must be born with it. Royal blood and all. But some of it can be learned, and for that I will do my best to impart such knowledge. I have written up a curriculum for you below:

1. Have an adventurous appetite–  Eat and try everything I always say. Not only will you find new dishes to fancy, but it will make you far superior to the less experienced eater. At the next social gathering when someone tries to boast of their story of eating “jellyfish”, interrupt them with, “Oh I’m sorry, I’m rather full from my omlette made of bald eagle eggs, and human kidneys.”  See? Exotic, interesting, and delicious. You’re now the life of the party. Their mouth will drop, and you can offer them a pink martini topped with a dolphin fetus foam to cry in.

2. Travel the globe– See and experience as many new places as possible. And by that I mean avoid anywhere without electricity. If they don’t have adequate lighting, you can assume they have dreadful parties. I made the mistake of visiting Australia once. I will not make that mistake again. The Wi-Fi there was horrendous. I was appalled at how long it took me to check my stocks and view my erotica (porn is for peasants). The so-called government there (if they even have one), should be mortified. How do you expect tourism dollars if you can’t even book a proper hotel online? Simply disgusting…

3. Be a lover of fine art- I am an avid believer in all forms of expression. To appreciate art, is to appreciate ones own self. Whether that be through painting, composing music, or crafting beautiful creations from clay. All of these things are important to man’s evolution as a species. For my latest project, I had three beautiful Swedish models flown in. Blonde, giant natural breasts, only the best of course. They disrobed, and I took pictures of them riding live tigers (they had muzzles, I’m civilized after all). In the background were giant photographs of lightning. It really was a sight to be seen. The piece will be one of many showing at my next gallery show in Paris. I think I’m going to call the piece “Pussy Storm.”

4. Be a voracious reader– As most of you know, being extremely wealthy is a blessing, but also a curse. Stresses can pile up like the tower of condos I own in Milan. What car will I drive today? Fencing or squash? What servant shall I punish today? Those are questions and pressures I wouldn’t wish on the Featherbottoms (they only have one plane the savages). Many people look to alcohol or sleeping pills to numb the pain, and rest their weary minds. Although I find any drugs other than the occassional recreational experience to be bad for my skin. I find reading puts me right to sleep. Two full pages and I’m out like a light! It’s quite amazing. I recommend War and Peace or the Boxcar Children series for quick results.

5. Help others– I think this is pretty obvious with all the advice I’ve given you so far. But in case you really are that much of a ninny, I’ll expand. When you help others, it makes you feel good. For example, I give all my leftover cocaine from fundraising events to homeless shelters. It’s at least two or three days old, so obviously I’m not going to use it. Why not let them have it?  Sometimes we even offer them employment. If they let us hunt them like wild game, we send whatever remaining family members they still have a large sum of money. Everyone wins, and you made a difference in someone’s life.


7 thoughts on “How To Be A Gentleman

  1. How is it you write stuff this good and I’m only the third blogger to like it? I’ve clicked on the swill in the “humor” section and these idiots have 35 “likes” for a cookie recipe that doesn’t even belong in that category! It’s just “The Man” holding you back dude. Keep fighting the good fight.

    • Haha thanks man. But to be honest, it’s hard to beat cookies. I mean they’re cookies. The only thing that beats cookies, is a good single malt scotch or maybe a Gene Hackman vehicle (not his books though. I refuse to believe he’s an author). Not to mention most of your comments are funnier than my posts. Why don’t you have a million “likes” yet?

      • I suspect we’re both lacking in the likes and followers departments due to the overwhelmingly poor taste in the reading public. As for single malts, I have a bottle of 12 year old Balvenie Signature Reserve which my well-to-do brother got me for a milestone birthday. It’s a blessing to have a well-to-do sibling who has killer taste in beverages.

      • …and for the record, today is my highest number of “likes” in a single day. Not a million, but 8, topping my previous high of 6. There will be no quitting of the day job anytime soon.

      • Well you beat me on “likes”. So keep trucking. It’s all a process, or some boring saying like that. I’m still enjoying the fact that people will actually read my letters to french fries, and stories of sexing up mermaids. Our train (sorry spaceship) will come.

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