Being that I’ve been with my current life partner for seven years now, I think I know my way around a relationship. We don’t believe in the act of marriage or society forcing its sexist ideology into our home (I’m broke and can’t buy a ring). But despite all that, I’d like to pass on some great dinner recipes and ideas for setting that special mood. Oh and I reference all my ideas as movie titles, because it helps me remember them. And it’s fun! Anyway here they are-
1. Jurassic Park– I think it’s critical to constantly experiment in every aspect of life. Whether it’s in the kitchen or your relationship (I’m talking about doing it). And being a connoisseur, I alway try to be on the forefront of all gourmet advancements. Whether it’s the slow food movement, molecular gastronomy, or being a rawist. For this dinner idea, we’ll be discussing the latter. When your partner comes home from a hard day at the office, have a beautiful spread already waiting out for them. I usually have a plate of uncooked broccoli and raw hamburger patties (I mean steak tartare). There’s nothing more romantic and adventurous than eating like a dinosaur. But make sure windows are closed, because flies will come otherwise.
2. Back to the Future– Make a fantastic dinner, and get blasted drunk. Take pictures of it, because when you wake up and look at them it will be like time traveling. I usually recommend chili cheese fries with two buck chuck for this. No need to spend a ton of money on food and ingredients if you’re just going to throw it up again anyway. Plus if you eat enough chili cheese fries, you might actually remember some of the night. There’s nothing more romantic then heartburn and gas.
3. Waterworld– Have a whole meal in the bathtub. It’s good clean fun (sorry that’s the marketing side of me coming out). We usually eat fishsticks to keep it authentic. Plus since they’re crunchy, if one happens to fall in the water, you can still eat it. No harm no foul. Also bring in a six pack. They float on the water surface for easy access, and you’ll be surprised how refreshing cold beer is when you’re sitting in hot water.
4. Naked Lunch– Get naked and have lunch. That’s it. Fun and delicious. Don’t worry, you don’t need to take drugs and talk to giant man eating centipedes or pulsating type writers. I recommend cold cuts or an already prepared quiche. That way you can just throw it in the microwave and serve. Cooking when naked can be dangerous. That’s why I don’t make bacon or onion rings anymore.
5. The Thomas Crowne Affair- Nothing gets the appetite up and the adrenaline pumping like criminal activity. Tell your significant other that you’re going out to a nice restaurant, and that they need to dress up. But on the way, say you have to make a stop at the grocery store (do not pick one you shop at regularly). Then when you walk in, grab a rotisserie chicken and some donuts. Then when they ask confused, “But I thought we were eating at-” you cut them off and yell “Run!” Dash out the door, and jump into your car. I recommend having a song already queued up for your getaway. Sammy Hagar’s “I Can’t Drive 55”, or Motley Crue’s “Kickstart My Heart” are always solid bets. He or she will be surprised and appalled at first, but when she realizes no one is following you for stealing $8 dollars worth of food, will be overcome with lust. You broke the law. Together. And that’s sexy. Enjoy your donut lovefest.