5 Fun Water Activites

Teenagers these days don’t know how to have fun. When I was young we didn’t have TV, video games, and the Internets. We made do with what we had. Being that I lived by the beach, that meant the water. Me and the other neighborhood hooligans made up all kinds of water games. So I thought, maybe if I pass down a few of them, these little monsters could learn a thing or two. Below are five old fashioned ocean ideas. Enjoy you little ingrates…

1. Submarine races– A lot of guys at the time were into hot rods. But anybody can build and race cars. Try a submarine. It takes skill and ingenuity, and I had both in spades. I can’t take all the credit though, my old man was an underwater welder. I learned all my skills from him. But once I figured out how to build my own submersible, I was a racing machine. I even had Tommy Two-Tone paint me one of his famous squids on the side. I won a lot of clams and tail in my exploits. It was always knots or nothing with me.

2. Shark fights– Unfortunately this has been illegal since the late 60’s. But when I was a kid, me and the gang every Saturday would take a submarine down to the old underwater fight caves. Those caves alone were an outlaws fantasy. The characters and stories I could talk about you wouldn’t believe. It was bloody and mean, just the way I liked it. Somehow a reporter snuck in though and wrote a piece on it. A bunch of hippie and activist scum took it over from there, and they were all closed down. But at least it was fun while it lasted.

3. Trident toss– Me and the boys always used to show off how strong we were to the mermaids. Tridents are extremely heavy, and it takes technique and experience to throw one right. But once you get the hang of it, it’s like throwing a baseball. I was never the best, but I could hold my own. I’m too old to play anymore, and what they charge for a decent trident these days is atrocious. I’ll leave the sport for the young bucks now.

4. Talking to pirate ghosts– Now before you jump down my throat, let me just be clear on something. Obviously there are all kinds of ghosts living in the water. Titantic ghosts, WWII ghosts, fisherman ghosts, Romans, I mean the list goes on forever. I just enjoy the company of pirate ghosts. That’s my personal preference. I find they have the most interesting stories. They’re fun drinkers, and I think their bawdy songs are a riot. You can talk to whoever you want, but I recommend the pirates. On who to talk to, I would go with Sir Francis Drake or Bartholomew Roberts. Blackbeard’s reputation is a little overrated if you ask me, and you’ll most likely leave disappointed. But I’ll leave the decision up to you.

5. Sea broads– You haven’t lived until you’ve been with a mermaid. I’ll never forget that first experience. I was 15 when I lost my sea virginity. There’s something about a half woman half fish hybrid, that really gets the blood boiling. My Uncle Roy always talked about the French dames during the war, but I got to say he’s never experienced skin on gill action. It feels so wrong (and anatomically it is), but you get over that quick. From then on, it’s smooth sailing.

A Mermaid by John William Waterhouse.

A Mermaid by John William Waterhouse. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

How To Be A Gentleman

As many of you know, I come from well-bred stock. I am most comfortable in polite society, surrounded by other great minds and people of class. I scoff at cheap liquors and consume only the finest spirits. But at times, I lower myself to teach the lesser educated minds, the ways of a gentleman. Part of this cannot be taught, because you must be born with it. Royal blood and all. But some of it can be learned, and for that I will do my best to impart such knowledge. I have written up a curriculum for you below:

1. Have an adventurous appetite–  Eat and try everything I always say. Not only will you find new dishes to fancy, but it will make you far superior to the less experienced eater. At the next social gathering when someone tries to boast of their story of eating “jellyfish”, interrupt them with, “Oh I’m sorry, I’m rather full from my omlette made of bald eagle eggs, and human kidneys.”  See? Exotic, interesting, and delicious. You’re now the life of the party. Their mouth will drop, and you can offer them a pink martini topped with a dolphin fetus foam to cry in.

2. Travel the globe– See and experience as many new places as possible. And by that I mean avoid anywhere without electricity. If they don’t have adequate lighting, you can assume they have dreadful parties. I made the mistake of visiting Australia once. I will not make that mistake again. The Wi-Fi there was horrendous. I was appalled at how long it took me to check my stocks and view my erotica (porn is for peasants). The so-called government there (if they even have one), should be mortified. How do you expect tourism dollars if you can’t even book a proper hotel online? Simply disgusting…

3. Be a lover of fine art- I am an avid believer in all forms of expression. To appreciate art, is to appreciate ones own self. Whether that be through painting, composing music, or crafting beautiful creations from clay. All of these things are important to man’s evolution as a species. For my latest project, I had three beautiful Swedish models flown in. Blonde, giant natural breasts, only the best of course. They disrobed, and I took pictures of them riding live tigers (they had muzzles, I’m civilized after all). In the background were giant photographs of lightning. It really was a sight to be seen. The piece will be one of many showing at my next gallery show in Paris. I think I’m going to call the piece “Pussy Storm.”

4. Be a voracious reader– As most of you know, being extremely wealthy is a blessing, but also a curse. Stresses can pile up like the tower of condos I own in Milan. What car will I drive today? Fencing or squash? What servant shall I punish today? Those are questions and pressures I wouldn’t wish on the Featherbottoms (they only have one plane the savages). Many people look to alcohol or sleeping pills to numb the pain, and rest their weary minds. Although I find any drugs other than the occassional recreational experience to be bad for my skin. I find reading puts me right to sleep. Two full pages and I’m out like a light! It’s quite amazing. I recommend War and Peace or the Boxcar Children series for quick results.

5. Help others– I think this is pretty obvious with all the advice I’ve given you so far. But in case you really are that much of a ninny, I’ll expand. When you help others, it makes you feel good. For example, I give all my leftover cocaine from fundraising events to homeless shelters. It’s at least two or three days old, so obviously I’m not going to use it. Why not let them have it?  Sometimes we even offer them employment. If they let us hunt them like wild game, we send whatever remaining family members they still have a large sum of money. Everyone wins, and you made a difference in someone’s life.

5 Romantic Dinner And Movie Ideas

Being that I’ve been with my current life partner for seven years now, I think I know my way around a relationship. We don’t believe in the act of marriage or society forcing its sexist ideology into our home (I’m broke and can’t buy a ring). But despite all that, I’d like to pass on some great dinner recipes and ideas for setting that special mood. Oh and I reference all my ideas as movie titles, because it helps me remember them. And it’s fun! Anyway here they are-

1. Jurassic Park– I think it’s critical to constantly experiment in every aspect of life. Whether it’s in the kitchen or your relationship (I’m talking about doing it). And being a connoisseur, I alway try to be on the forefront of all gourmet advancements. Whether it’s the slow food movement, molecular gastronomy, or being a rawist. For this dinner idea, we’ll be discussing the latter. When your partner comes home from a hard day at the office, have a beautiful spread already waiting out for them. I usually have a plate of uncooked broccoli and raw hamburger patties (I mean steak tartare). There’s nothing more romantic and adventurous than eating like a dinosaur. But make sure windows are closed, because flies will come otherwise.

2. Back to the Future– Make a fantastic dinner, and get blasted drunk. Take pictures of it, because when you wake up and look at them it will be like time traveling. I usually recommend chili cheese fries with two buck chuck for this. No need to spend a ton of money on food and ingredients if you’re just going to throw it up again anyway. Plus if you eat enough chili cheese fries, you might actually remember some of the night. There’s nothing more romantic then heartburn and gas.

3. Waterworld– Have a whole meal in the bathtub. It’s good clean fun (sorry that’s the marketing side of me coming out). We usually eat fishsticks to keep it authentic. Plus since they’re crunchy, if one happens to fall in the water, you can still eat it. No harm no foul. Also bring in a six pack. They float on the water surface for easy access, and you’ll be surprised how refreshing cold beer is when you’re sitting in hot water.

4. Naked Lunch– Get naked and have lunch. That’s it. Fun and delicious. Don’t worry, you don’t need to take drugs and talk to giant man eating centipedes or pulsating type writers. I recommend cold cuts or an already prepared quiche. That way you can just throw it in the microwave and serve. Cooking when naked can be dangerous. That’s why I don’t make bacon or onion rings anymore.

5. The Thomas Crowne Affair- Nothing gets the appetite up and the adrenaline pumping like criminal activity. Tell your significant other that you’re going out to a nice restaurant, and that they need to dress up. But on the way, say you have to make a stop at the grocery store (do not pick one you shop at regularly). Then when you walk in, grab a rotisserie chicken and some donuts. Then when they ask confused, “But I thought we were eating at-” you cut them off and yell “Run!” Dash out the door, and jump into your car. I recommend having a song already queued up for your getaway. Sammy Hagar’s  “I Can’t Drive 55”, or Motley Crue’s “Kickstart My Heart” are always solid bets. He or she will be surprised and appalled at first, but when she realizes no one is following you for stealing $8 dollars worth of food, will be overcome with lust. You broke the law. Together. And that’s sexy. Enjoy your donut lovefest.


New Week Checklist

With this last week wrapping up, I thought it would be appropriate to post my goals for next week. Goals are incredibly important to set for yourself if you want to be successful. Trust me I know. I’m a fucking millionaire, and I live by the beach (so what if the water isn’t safe to swim in).  Anyway, here they are-

1. Grow a mustache.

2. Continue crossbow lessons.

3. Learn the differences between a cyborg and an android, and learn what category David Bowie belongs in.

4. Hang out with buds.

5. Have less heartburn.

6. Write cusswords on things that don’t belong to me.

7. Mow the lawn. Psyche, I don’t have a lawn (This will be a good surprise for me when I read this later in the week).

8. Finish reading Infinite Jest.

9. Try seaweed salad.

10. Harrison Ford marathon.

Okay that’s it for this week’s goals. Try it for yourself. I guarantee you’ll notice the difference. Goodnight everyone.

5 Rainy Day Activities

Despite millions of years of conditioning, the rain still seems to be a surprise for most people. If you can believe it, some people actually prefer exercise and sunshine, to eating cereal and watching cartoons. But rather than fighting about something we can’t change (yet), try to focus on being productive while inside. Like always, I’m here to help. This is my usual rainy day schedule-

1.  Make Things – My two favorite things to make on a rainy day are definitely moonshine and forts. Nothing beats a good corn mash in the saftey and comfort of a new fort. But let me clarify, I don’t have a distillery. Or a bathtub for that matter. So I just improvise, and mix all the leftover hard liquors I own into an empty jar. Then I just drink out of that. Boom, you’re very own moonshine. It tastes just as bad, and you’ll be wicked drunk before you finish the jar. Oh, but make sure and build the fort first. Otherwise you’ll just pass out in a pile of blankets. I also like to bring rations (treats) into the fort. You never know how long a rain will last, and you’ll need sustenance. Or at least some kind of material to soak up the poison burning in your belly.

2.  Recorder concert – One of the most under utilized instruments of this era is the recorder. Almost everyone got one in grade school, and even idiots can play them. Plus they sound amazing. Not annoying at all. Make sure and get three or four of you all playing your recorder at once. Hmm… beautiful. I can hear it now, Mary Had A Little Lamb playing in four different tunes. Now normally this would be a torture you wouldn’t wish on a terrorist, but hopefully the moonshine is kicking in at this point.

3.  Listen to Sad Music – At this point, there has definitely been an argument or fight of some sort. The close quarters of the fort, moonshine, and loud noises probably set someone off. Don’t worry when you wake up the next morning, you won’t remember what you fought about anyway. But at that moment it will feel like knives in your heart. I always grab my Ipod, and just stare out the window with the Shins playing. It’s just like Garden State. Watching the rain slowly drip down the window pane is cathartic. Sometimes it’s okay to be sad.

4. Hot Dog Eating Contest– You’ll need to get the energy back up after that little spiff, and in a positive way. I always find eating makes me happy. And if you’re like me, your rations were gobbled up hours ago. Now it’s time to gather around the table and race eat. I usually just throw all the hot dogs into a pile, and put them into the microwave. Yes they split, and some of them explode, but you can give those to the person you just fought with. This is your house and your rules. Just yell go, and let the gorging begin. It’s good clean fun, and if you eat enough nitrates you glow in the dark.

5. Watch Point Break- Everyone will be falling asleep at this point due to an alcohol and food coma. Top off the day with an excellent film about friendship and pushing life to the edge. Plus it has Warchild in it, and a great rainy scene at the end to match your own enviroment.

I hope this helped my little rain friends. Remember to have fun, but be safe!

Get Me The Doc

It’s time for another comic book progress report. I had done a small post a week or so ago about my next pitch titled “Doc”. An action comedy milkshake of Grey’s Anatomy meets Die Hard. We explore why a top notch surgeon would quit her job to help out a bunch of murdering psychopaths. Well I have more awesome art from Jerry Gaylord, that I would love to show off.

Our story follows Sara, the reluctant doctor for super villians.

Oh and to add to Sara’s problems, her twin brother is a police detective investigating the rise of super villains in the city.

Here are a few of the super villain concepts that will be appearing in our cast of characters.

And with a mustache to make even Tom Selleck jealous…

Let’s not forget weretigers like guns too.

In addition to the character concepts, we have a couple of fully colored pages. What? No explosions? I’m going home! Relax, we have to save something to show off for the finished pitch.

I hope you guys liked the new updates for Doc, and I’ll be posting more as we move along.

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