Yahoo.com is the first thing I see every time I open the Internet (I’m pretty tech savvy) . Today they had a taste test for “Best Canned Beers.” I was unimpressed. Half the beers you can’t even try unless you live in stupid places like Brooklyn. So to make up for their mistake, I decided to throw my own taste test….with myself. Judge, jury, and executioner. I knew I’d have a lot of hats to wear, but that’s what a journalist does.
The only problem is I didn’t want to actually make anything, because that would take work. I just picked random things in the spice cabinet (smells like old people vitamins), and other condiments. I still feel gross, but somebody has to write weird things for the 10 friends of mine that read this. Here is the taste test below with pictures and descriptions-
1. Tanjin Clasico Seasoning (1 fire symbol)- This is supposed to add a spicy zest to fruit and vegatables, but you know I hate things that are good for me. So I just licked a line of it, like drugs. I probably could’ve tasted it too by snorting it, and that would’ve been cooler. But then I would have had to film that, and I’m only one man. After tasting it raw, it reminded me of licking spicy lime ants. I’ve never done that, but that’s what I always imagined it would be like.
2. Agave Nectar– Honestly I always thought this went on sunburns. I didn’t know you could eat it. But you can, and it was surprisingly good. Sweet and good for you according to the back label. The girlfriend will have some explaining to do when she gets home. We have a “no hiding treats rule” in our home. Except when we’re dieting, but if one of us starts to cry we have to bring it out of the hiding place.
3. Dip? I say question mark, because it looked and smelled like dip. It had kind of a garlic-esque smell. But it tasted like weird chunky butter. This one was a little risky, but life is about taking risks. I’m still alive, and not hallucinating, so I’m probably okay.
4. Thai Barbeque Sauce– Tasting this should’ve been the easiest and most rewarding experience of the day. Barbeque sauce is great by itself, and add the Thai twist to it. Maybe some lime or peanut flavors. Sold right? NO! This company should be sued for false advertising! This is soy sauce masquerading as BBQ sauce. A travesty and an insult. I almost choked after taking a big gulp. Bad, bad….
5. Candle– This tasted just like crayon. It smelled like melon, so I figured that might affect the taste. Nope. I’m sure some of you are being judgmental, “What kind of idiot eats candles?” In the late 80’s and early 90’s I ate my fair share of candy wax lips, and I know I wasn’t the only one. If you’re really old (I’m not but I’m a candy connoisseur), then you even drank soda syrup out of wax bottles. So everyone just shut up. Remember your roots, and try a candle.