Shut Up Tom Clancy

I started Rainbow Six recently. The novel not the video game. Mainly because I’m cultured. It had nothing to do with being unemployed. I just felt motivated to sit down and read a 912 page espionage novel. But can I say something? I had to read a whole twenty pages before something action packed happened. Tom Clancy, stop wasting my life.

I don’t care what the characters look like, or that they’re on a plane, and that there’s three mysterious Spanish gentlemen trying to break into the captain’s cabin. Bring in some guns, or some nightvision already. Where’s the Tom Clancy that made Clear and Present Danger and Splinter Cell? Twenty pages. That’s ten minutes of my life I will never get back.

I don’t normally get personal, but Tom Clancy used to be so action packed that he gave my very own father nightmares. He had to stop reading them before bed because he woke up in cold sweats screaming about IRA members breaking into our home. And do you know what that does to a dad, to not be able to read Tom Clancy books? Van Halen and Tom Clancy are like fuel for white dads everywhere. I want that Tom Clancy back. The Tom Clancy that used to give grown men night terrors (It has nothing to do with the fact that my dad’s asthma medication could cause nightmares as a side effect).

So Tom Clancy if you’re out there, I want a novel of pure sniper rifles and flak jackets. Do it. I’ll be waiting. Well until I get a job.

This is me being all Chuck Yeager and shit.




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