Being unemployed as of late, I’ve taken up the usual bad habits- over eating, scratching too much, and holding sweatpants competitions with myself. I’ve caught up on Sherlock and Top Chef episodes. And I’ve even experimented with different grill cheese combinations. “Oh yeah, but what about when you put parmesan on the crust?” Don’t waste my time. When most people would be crying out of lonliness (oh and I have), I was being productive. I was creating muscial movements. You might call it “adult contemporary” but I call it Cry Dancing.
Cry dancing is pretty self-explanatory. It’s when you’re crying and whimpering to yourself before your girlfriend gets home, but then a song randomly plays on your Itunes. Your head starts to bob and your hands can’t help but snap to the rhythm. Then when your girlfriend suddenly opens the door, she thinks you’re just dancing out of happiness that she’s home. No victims.
Below is a list of my favorite cry dancing songs. Remember these are more effective with blurry teary eyed vision. So hurt yourself or think of painful memories to fully enjoy these. Editors note- There’s no Morrisey songs, because Youtube was being an asshole.
1. Michael McDonald – I Keep Forgettin’. There’s pain in Michael’s voice, and I get it. He’s trying to get us to feel with him. But he screwed up because that beat fucking knocks too hard. Ask Warren G and Nate Dogg, Am I right?
2. Christopher Cross – Never Be The Same. Nice beat, great guitar riffage. Good for treadmill crying.
3. Phil Collins – Against All Odds. Inspirational crying that builds to dancing. Plus the video has waterfalls, neon triangle things, and young Jeff Bridges is a sexpot.
4. Electric Light Orchestra – Telephone Line. Starts out depressing and sad, but you have cool laser sounds giving you a taste of what’s to come. Pretty soon you’re dancing and crying on your knees doo wopping with ELO.
5. King Ralph- Good Golly Miss Molly. This is just good.