Being a romantic, I like to surprise my girlfriend from time to time. Whether it’s picking flowers or hiding her purse, I like to keep it interesting. Since we’ve been together a while now, I think it’s time to pop the question. But it has to be done in an amazing way of course. Not just “we went to a fancy restaurant”, or “I popped the question on a scoreboard”. That’s lazy and done to death. So I’ve been brainstorming, and I came up with a few ideas.

1.  An explosion - This idea came from the Backdraft ride that used to be at Universal Studios. It was more of an attraction than a ride I guess. But you would walk through a burning building with fake oil barrels exploding. Yeah I know, pretty romantic right? My own plan, was something similar. I would walk us to the car for a nice evening out. Then say- “Hold on babe, I forgot something in the house”. Suddenly our house explodes. As she’s getting up from up the blast, I walk out of the flames. I get down on one knee, and pull out a ring. She’s so happy that I’m alive and proposing, that she won’t even be mad about me blowing up our house. Totally worth it. She’ll be bragging to her friends about it forever.

2.  Tomahawk throwing - Every Sunday we go tomahawk throwing. I know, no suprises there. But this time, after she goes to retrieve her ax from the target, I’ll throw mine. The blade narrowly missing her face, will lodge directly on the end of her handle. Not only will she be completely impressed by my marksmanship, but she’ll notice something shiny scotch taped to my handle. A beautiful engagement ring. I’ll be just like Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans.

3. Letters in the sky - I’m sure you’ve seen people write “cute messages” in air plane smoke, to a significant other. If you haven’t, don’t worry. It’s lame. Plus you can never see it very well, and it dissappears too quickly. If I do it, I’m going to rent a fucking spaceship. Imagine reading “Will you marry me?” from space shuttle smoke. It’s like writing with permanent marker instead of pencil. Plus it’s not like NASA’s doing anything with them lately anyway. I can probably get the whole thing done for dirt cheap. I bet you can even see the message from Mars.

4.  Archaeological dig - She’s big into archeology. I know what a nerd. Well anyway, I’ll go on one of her digs, and “help out”. When she’s off in another section, dusting or whatever, I’ll scream- “Hey what’s this? It looks like an ancient ceramic Greek serving vase!” She’ll come running over, along with the rest of the team. Now with an entire audience, I get down on one knee holding the vase. Then I smash it, revealing inside a magnificent wedding ring. Yes, I’ve just destroyed a priceless artifact. But I’ve also finally popped the question. So her and the rest of the team can’t be too mad. It’ll be such a joyous time, that we’ll stop digging in the desert. Then we’ll get hammered drunk, and I’ll be a hero.

5.  Blacksmithing - Next time I’m busy at the anvil, she’ll think I’m working on a new broadsword (which I’ll have strategically out for display). Then when she comes out to bring me my lunch of elk steaks and barley wine, I’ll ask her to search the blade for flaws. As she’s looking over the molten orange blade, I’ll pull out the newly crafted ring I’ve made ahead of time. She will weep with happiness, as we get to work making offspring for the coming winter cabbage harvest.