Are you tired of playing stupid drinking games? I know I sure am. You kids seem to love your moronic card games and keg stands. But while you were busy wasting your time with that nonsense, I was busy inventing things. I’m a regular drunken Benjamin Franklin. Except I’ll make it rain pennies, because I couldn’t care less about saving them. They’re worthless. But enough sidetracking, let’s get to the games.
1. Bowie or Bowie - The rules are simple. You’re given a scenario, and you must argue who would be better by your side. David Bowie, the alien rock god. Or Jim Bowie, the wild frontiersman famous for the “Bowie knife”. The drunker you become, the more heated the debate. Warning- This can, and has, ruined relationships. There’s nothing like drunkenly crashing your bicyle into a mailbox, because you were too busy crying to see it. Then trying to explain to the police officer, it was all because your girlfriend said that David Bowie wouldn’t have lost the Alamo.
2. Parkour H-O-R-S-E - Parkour, if you’re not familar with the term, it’s defined by Wikipedia “when participants move through their environment by vaulting, rolling, running, climbing, and jumping.” It’s basically what you see Jackie Chan doing in every movie he’s ever made. H-O-R-S-E is a shooting game using a basketball. Each player has to match the last player’s shot, and if he/she misses, they get a letter. First person to spell Horse, loses. Now instead, imagine matching flips, wall kicks, and roof jumps. I know way more exciting right? Of course you would never do this sober, and you could very easily die. Plus you will most definitely break everything in the host’s house. But that’s part of the fun.
3. Swear at the moon - This is more of a solitary game really. I just try to yell louder, and more offensive things at the moon with each attempt. Sometimes a man needs to get things off his chest, and the moon is good for that. Hell, you could say it even deserves it. The moon itself is nothing but a big lie. It doesn’t give off light. It just reflects it from the sun. If that isn’t a reason to throw curses at it, then I don’t know what is. Plus drinking gin out of a jar, just tastes better with a full moon.
4. Hold a drunken intervention - Nobody likes being told they have a drinking problem. Especially by other drunks. So next time you host a party, invite one friend to come over later than the rest. When everyone is good and sauced, the other friend will be arriving. But when they do, you will all be sitting in a circle of chairs, waiting for them. A keg will be in the middle, some people will already be passed out, and you will be dancing to Lionel Richie’s “Dancing on the Ceiling.” When they approach you, yell over the music and tell them, “We need to talk about your drinking. It’s gotten out of hand!” Before he can angrily reply, chug your entire beer, and burp in his face. If he storms out of the room, you win. If he doesn’t, you lose. But at least you can still go back to drinking.
5. Run from the wild game - You think regular drinking gives you a buzz? Try running from bloodthirsty beasts. After you get good and liquored up, hike around your neighborhood looking for rabid dogs. Or go over to that weird neighbor’s house, who is illegally keeping a wolf for a pet. Let it out, and run for your life. Now that’s a rush.