This is my formal notification that I am resigning from the Black Death Sea Company. As you may have noticed, I did not come back after docking at the last port. I had One-Eyed Syd deliver this letter to you in fear of being whipped, made to walk the plank, or flayed alive. Please do not take offense to this and track me down with cold black vengeance in your heart. Don’t worry, for I have already pre-kidnapped a young lad to take my place. He’s a strong one, as I learned trying to shove him in a large empty rum barrel. I think he’ll do just fine.
Now I’m not stupid. I know there hasn’t been a pterodactyl attack since the late 1960′s. But let’s face it. Global warming has been causing us quite a few problems of late. My guess is the pterodactyl habitats will be the next to be affected, causing them to seek refuge elsewhere. First we might notice a few sightings, then a few turns into hundreds, and hundreds turns into all out pterodactyl war. London barely survived the first war. I don’t think we could handle another one. That’s why I think it’s important to spread awareness on how to protect yourself, in case you are attacked. Here are a few life saving tips.
1. Wear a shirt made of knives - Yes, technically you can also wear chainmail if you don’t want to spend the extra money for a knife shirt. The chainmail will protect you from their talons, and the material is heavy enough to keep you from being swooped off the ground. But if one of these bastards is going to attack me, I want him to have something to remember me by. I want him to hestitate next time he tries to pick up some “easy prey”. Nothing does that better than multiple lacerations to your feet.
2. Always be aware of weather conditions - Summer is a very popluar season, and with good reason. You can go camping, swimming, barbecuing, and the list goes on. Nothing but clear skies. You can’t wish for anything better than that. Wrong. You know who else loves summer? Pterodactyls. Nothing makes hunting easier than clear flying conditions, and crowds of people gathered together in one convenient spot. Imagine flying above Coachella or Bonnaroo. By attending one of these music festivals it’s like you’re asking to be eaten. That’s why I always recommend doing all traveling or extracurricular activities during snow or hailstorms. You may not be comfortable, but neither will the Pterodactyls. Plus, as long as you have good friends and booze, it won’t matter where you are.
3. Take pilot lessons - Do you want to live your life as a sheep or a wolf? If you said sheep, than you’re wasting both our time. Pterodactyls need to know if they attack us, there will be consequences. You kill one of us, we kill three of you. And the only way to do that is by beating them at their own game – flying. Pterodactyls are expert hunters, and fliers. They glide effortlessly through the air, with manuvers that would make anything in Top Gun look like childs play. But last time I checked, machine guns and heat seeking missiles beat talons everytime. Whether you learn to fly a plane, jet, or zeppelin, is up to you. But all of them have their uses, and will help further the war effort. Do your part and learn to fly something.
4. Familarize yourself with the latest harpoon gun and bazooka models - Of course a fully armed F-16 is going to be more effective than a bazooka. But for economic reasons, not every single person can have their own personal jet. But shoulder rockets and old fashioned whaling guns are another story. Not to mention, some missions may call for more of a scapel approach than a baseball bat, if I can use that analogy. Also, I don’t want any green party members to think I don’t care about the enviroment. Harpoons only hurt the Pterodactyls. Let’s not forget that abusing mother nature is what caused this whole fiasco in the first place.
5. Treat everyone with kindess - Pterodactyls have no understanding of kindness. Their hearts are made of hate, and death runs in their veins. Everytime you treat another human with malice or disdain, you’re acting just like a Pterodactyl. Plus, you could be dead at any moment. Taking out that trash, may be the last thing you ever do. So be nice, and wave to everyone. You’re neighbor may not warn you if he sees a swooping Pterdactyl coming down, after your dog just took a shit on his lawn. Treat people how you would like to be treated, and you’ve already won half the battle.