Apr

5 Poisons That Are Healthy

Generally poisons are thought of as well, poisonous. Poisons come in many varities and forms- alcohol poisoning, toxic fumes, and of course the classic assassin poison dart. Yes, all of those are harmful. But let’s not forget that poisons can actually be healthy for you too! Here let me give you some examples -

1. Exercise - Symptoms : Sore muscles, increased heart rate, loss of breath, and severe sweating. Hmm… Sounds like poison to me. Yet exercise is actually good for you. It is so powerful, it can actually shrink your body size! You can lose 20, to 50, to even 100 pounds! That is definitely some amazing poison.

2. Sleep - Symptoms : Dreamlike hallucinations, slowed breathing and heart rate, and can even cause unintelligible talking. If we don’t sleep, our bodies will physically shut down. Yet when we do it, we actually go into a self – induced coma. Then when you finally wake up, there’s a 5-10 minute hangover-like feeling as you regain your faculties. I can understand why insomnia is so popular.

3. Food - Symptoms : Once ingested can cause sleepiness, sluggishness, and an overall uncomfortable sensation around the abdomen. Every time you eat, you are putting foreign substances into your body! But if you don’t do this, your body won’t get the nutrients it needs to survive. Then you will die. If that isn’t strange enough, you must eat at least 3 times a day! Insanity I tell you.

4. Water - Symptoms : While consuming, causes pause in breathing, and excessive urination. To further illustrate the dangers of water, a large amount of it can actually cause death by drowning! Even more ironic, our bodies are made up of 70% water. That is simply asinine. But if you don’t drink water, you will die of dehydration. This is one of the most important necessary poisons of all.

5. Math - Symptoms : Headaches, frustration, and anger. We use it everyday, but it is the leading cause of brain explosions. To prevent this, calculators were invented. Despite its many dangers, it is essential in our day to day life. It helps you pay for groceries, utilities, and other bills. So make sure to think of this list before you call poison control.

51 days ago Short URL 9 Comments

Humor/Random

Andrew Maxwell/comedy/Health/Poison/Shut up dad/Toxin

Jun

Benefits Of Having A Brother

I can blame my extreme hatred of sharing on my siblings. Plus being the oldest, I was often the lab rat for various parenting techniques. I also got more “whoopins” than my younger compatriots. Wooden spoons, the belt, or hardback dictionaries, I’ve felt the sting of them all. But that aside, I have to say I’m glad I wasn’t an only child. There’s definitely benefits of having a brother close to your own age. For those of you that never had the privilege, I’ll do my best to explain the benefits.

1. Stunt double- Being the older brother, it was always great having a little brother willing to try anything first. Since he was already the “extreme” one, it took almost no coaxing to get him to jump off, or ride his bike into anything. He saved me quite a few bruises, head wounds, and broken bones. Thank you Chris.

2. Dueling partner- My skills as a swordsman would be a tenth of what they are today, if it weren’t for all the practice we had with metal pipes in our youth. The finger and knuckle injuries were a small price to pay for the grace and ease I now have. There’s not a challenger alive today that I have not bested with my blade. I have my training to thank for that.

3. Rock fights- Who needs video games when you have rock fights? Our parents thought that encouraging outdoor play and excercise would be healthier for us. Little did they know how much fun hurling large projectiles at each other would be. If only the human body wasn’t so weak, and easy to injure. Games were always too quick.

4. Fellow battle strategist- I could not count the amount of bee stings we endured that day. But with God as my witness, that beehive in our front yard was no more. We fought long and hard, and we were victorious. So what if we were picking out bees from our hair five hours later. We could now walk on our driveway without fear, and that made it worth it.

5. Eating competitor- Eating can be so boring, especially when eating leftovers. But add a racing element to it, and it becomes a different story. Not only is it fast paced and exciting, there’s also an element of danger to it. You could choke and die at any moment. The sheer embarrassment of dying from eating too fast can really get the heart rate going. Believe me, I saw it with my own eyes. I would have one brother less if my mom hadn’t preformed the heimlich on him. I would never be able to look at waffles in quite the same way again.

373 days ago Short URL 30 Comments

Random

Andrew Maxwell/Bee sting/brothers/comedy/dueling/eating competition/Family/Health/humor/Shut up dad/stunt double/stuntman/sword fight

May

Myth Busting

I like to think of myself as a man well-versed in books and worldly knowledge. But there are certain bits of “wisdom” I’ve heard over the years, that just don’t seem to add up. Let me elaborate…

1. You should never go to sleep angry. Well, you must like being miserable then. I’d rather be asleep and angry, than awake and angry any day. Anger is bad for your health. It can cause ulcers, migraines, and is the leading cause of hunchback syndrome. Plus when you’re sleeping, there’s no one to get angry at except nightmares. And nobody likes nightmares. So that’s actually a good thing. From now on, try to conserve your anger for sleep.

2. Don’t be generic. Nonsense! I pride myself in being so. Although I may appear to be the most boring, generic white guy you have ever seen. Every single thing I do, is in fact planned to the utmost detail. From my boring haircut, New Balance shoes, to my love of sourdough. All part of my cover. In the world of espionage and international intrigue, one must learn to blend in. I can walk right into any embassy, steal important spy files, and walk out with none the wiser. If I’m caught in the act, I can run and instantly blend into the crowd. When it comes time for the onlookers to give a description, it’s impossible. Look at my face and try to remember it. I challenge you!

3. To conquer your fears, you must face them. Lies. I’ve once held a tarantula at summer camp, and spiders still scare the shit out of me. But you just said you’re a spy, and you’re scared of spiders? Yes. Fear keeps you alive. And dead agents accomplish nothing.

4. That Steely Dan is a good band. If this makes you angry, then go to sleep.

5. Live life to the fullest. Have you ever been so full, that even the act of sitting was painful? I have, and it’s awful. I love a good meal, or a heavy microbrew as much as the next person. But you can’t live your entire life feeling like you’re going to explode. Not only is that stupid but it’s just gluttonous. Ladies, imagine trying to give birth, with a stomach full of meatloaf. And gentleman, just try talking and being full at the same. It’s nearly impossible. My point being, think for yourself before you take the advice of an ignoramus. You may end up doing more damage than good.

May

5 Great Ways To Lose Weight

Are you tired of taking your shirt off and making people cry? Or yelling cannonball, and people cower in fear? I sure am. Personally, I would like to enjoy my summer for once. I want to be able to say “it’s bathing suit weather”, and not get Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Everyone deserves to enjoy the sun. Unless you live in Alaska, and then you can be as fat as you want. Actually it’s probably healthier to do that for insulation purposes. But for the sake of us trying to lose weight, let me share my new routine. It’s done wonders for me, and I think I might actually be able to go boogie boarding this year. I’ve listed the steps out below, so I hope these help.

1. Arrange for a family member to be held hostage- Although this sounds really bad, it’s not if you want results. Losing weight takes sacrifice, and what better way to do that than endangering the life of a loved one. When you’re ready to make a “real” lifestyle change, this will be but a minor speed bump in your road to success. I went on Craigslist, but I’m sure there’s many other ways to go about acquiring a kidnapper. Call them, and pay them a hefty some of cash in unmarked bills. Give them instructions that if you don’t make your goal weight each week, your family member pays the price. Nothing motivates you to stop shoving your fat face, like receiving fingers in the mail. I lost at least 15 pounds on stress and loss of appetite alone.

2. Eat imaginary food- If I learned anything from the Robin Williams vehicle Hook, it was that pretend food can be just as good or better as real food. Hungry? Craving chocolate, cheese, or tacos? How about all three? You’re not really eating anything, so do whatever you want! Plus if you go without eating long enough, you’ll start hallucinating anyway. Then you don’t even have to pretend, you’ll start seeing cakes coming out of everything. What a deal!

3. Dubstep dancing- Do you ever wish you were a trendy British teenager? I do all the time. So why not at least dance like one? This cool dance craze will have you dancing like a robot, and sweating like John Candy in no time. What better way to lose water weight than dancing until cardiac arrest? Try it, I promise you won’t be let down.

4. Morphine drip- Everybody knows somebody who’s a nurse, so this shouldn’t be that difficult. All you need to do is buy a an IV drip prepackaged with Morphine. Once you acquire this, make sure to have the nurse get you set up on the spot. It’s a pain in the ass to do it yourself. I mean yes, you can always Google how to do it, but I’ve ruined some good veins that way. It’s easier to have a professional administer the “medicine”. But just make sure to walk home before it starts to kick in, otherwise it’ll be hard to explain to police officers why you fell asleep on the sidewalk with an IV in your arm. This is a great way to lose weight, because you’re usually to drugged up to eat, or even be hungry for that matter. Plus you can’t eat if you’re asleep. You will get Morphine nightmares, but you have to take the good with the bad. Like we said before, losing weight is sacrifice.

5. Sleeping in a ring of fire- Remember you need to set this up before the morphine drip, because you’ll be in no condition to be lighting fires. I recommend a weight loss partner through all of this anyway, it’s a great way to cheer each other on. Basically you want to light a controlled ring of fire around your bed. That way you’ll sweat the entire time you sleep, for double the results. Your nightmares will most likely intensify due to the morphine, and I take no responsibility for the damage done to your apartment/house. But it will most definitely get results. And that’s why you’re reading this anyway right? Happy summer!

Apr

Have Yourself A Doc Holliday

It’s easy to get caught up in the mundane. You know the feeling. When everyday starts to blend into the next. What you need is a change. You can’t just live for the weekend, and vacations are all too rare. So instead of waiting for a holiday, throw your own. A “Doc Holliday” if you will. (Disclaimer- This holiday is based on the Val Kilmer interpretation, not the actual person. The real Doc, was a horrible dentist and a drunk, who also happened to shoot at people a lot. It doesn’t take skill or charm to do any of those things. I’m sorry, let’s get back to the “Holliday”.)

1. Arrive to work drunk - I don’t ever encourage drunk driving. So I recommend bringing a flask of your strongest corn mash, and parking first in your work parking lot. Drink the entire flask there on the spot before entering the office (For best results, don’t eat breakfast. Booze is always easier on an empty stomach). As you enter your cubicle, and turn your computer on, you should be feeling the effects. The next thing you know, you’re awoken by a puzzled/disgusted co-worker. He seems to have found you passed out at your desk, covered in your own vomit. When he gives you that look of shame, you look him in the eye and say, “I have not yet begun to defile myself.” He probably won’t understand what you’re saying through all the mumbling. But you finally got to say that line to someone, and that makes it all worth it.

2. Start gambling - Word of your drunkenness has probably already started to spread in the office at this point. So the time before you get thrown out by security is limited. Hobble over to the water cooler, and invite some co-workers over to your cubicle for some poker. When they stare at you in disbelief, take a drunken bow, and say, “I’m in my prime.” But don’t bow too low, that you fall over. If that happens, simply say, “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.” Then make your way back to your desk, and play on-line poker instead. You can yell things at the screen, and challenge invisible players to duels. It’s fun!

3. Enjoy barroom antics - At this point, you should probably leave “sick” for the day, before you get fired. But since you shouldn’t drive anywhere, just walk over to the local T.G.I. Friday’s (everyone has one). Serving shitfaced patrons at noon is not uncommon there, so you can blend right in. It’ll most likely be college kids, but you can be the cool old guy/gal. Do things Doc would do to impress them - 1. Say fancy words like Huckleberry and cosmopolitan. 2. Do coin tricks. 3. Twirl a shot glass (but save this for the end, because they don’t make tin ones with handles anymore, and you’ll most likely shatter it).

4. Get ready for a showdown - You most likely got kicked out of T.G.I. Friday’s. Be proud of yourself, because that’s hard to do. You can either wait for the police, or call your significant other to come pick you up. When he/she finds out what you did today, it will most definitely be a showdown. The Gunfight at the O.K. Corral will have nothing on the verbal thrashing you are about to recieve. But it beats sitting in a drunk tank, where everyone can see you pee.

5. Be happy you don’t have tuberculosis - Without a doubt, you’ve made a huge ass of yourself today. Everyone in the office will most likely look down on you as long as you work there. You’re probably going to have to sleep on the couch tonight, and nothing will compare with the hangover you’re about to experience when you wake up. But at least you don’t have tuberculosis. You won’t die a slow, painful death. Like life is putting a giant plastic bag over your face, and forcing you to run with it. You’ll never have to worry about wiping pieces of “lung” off your TPS reports. At the end of the day, you may not have your dignity, but you have your health. Not to mention some great memories, or lack thereof. Isn’t that what a good “Holliday” is about?

Shut Up Dad

Tag Archives: Health

5 Poisons That Are Healthy

Benefits Of Having A Brother

Myth Busting

5 Great Ways To Lose Weight

Have Yourself A Doc Holliday

Follow “Shut Up Dad”