For The Ladies

Hello Ladies. You do a lot for the world. To help take some of the pressure off, I came up with some great tips that will hopefully make life easier and more enjoyable. Here they are-

1. Oatmeal diet- My girlfriend constantly brings up this issue, that everything she likes to eat is bad for her. I struggle with this too, and that’s why I only eat oatmeal. It’s low in calories, plus it keeps you full for a long time. And if you don’t eat all of it, you can make a facial mask. Double way win.

2. Wine popsicles- No not all woman drink, but the ones I love do. Plus, wine freezes. I’ve done it before. On accident, but who cares. Anything frozen is more fun. Just think, you can only drink wine in certain designated areas. But wine popsicles you can eat anywhere. Even church!

3. Love notes- When was the last time you got a romantic note on your pillow or in your lunch? I know, you can’t even remember. I have the perfect solution. Write your own. Get out a piece of paper and list all the things special about you. Dot the I’s with hearts, and even end the note with Zozo (it’s like xoxox but sexier). But make sure to hide the note somewhere that you won’t find for a week or so. That way when you do find it, you’ll have forgotten you wrote it. What a nice surprise, and so romantic.

4. Take more baths- Showers are boring. Plus you can’t eat and shower at the same time. With baths you can do anything you want. Treat yourself, and take a nice long soak. Read a book, have a sandwich (when you’re on your cheat day from oatmeal of course), accompanied with a nice glass of champagne. Take the dirty out of cleaning, and instead add some fun.

5. Go to space- Tired of those boring sunsets? How many times can you walk along the beach? I know there’s water. It’s pretty. I get it. Try switching it up a bit, and doing something completely new. For example, like seeing the entire earth from a spaceship. It’s so beautiful, yet so small. Like the universe’s very own blueberry. Plus, when your friend starts bragging about the view of the Grand Canyon, you can tell them that’s nice, you’ve seen the entire earth.

10 Animal Powers I Have

Most people think with all this technology and shelter, that we don’t connect with nature anymore. That electricity, video games, and indoor plumbing have made us soft. Not to mention, that we’re destroying the Earth with our pollution and wasteful attitudes. And yeah, that’s probably true. But not me sirs/madams. In appearance, I may look like just another boring white guy. Instead, I have all the powers of nature at my beck and call. I’ve never told anyone this before, but I think it’s time I finally go public. To avoid scientists picking me apart piece by piece, I will simply explain my powers.

1. Piranha bite- I can chew through anything- sandwiches, carrots, Butterfingers, whatever. And it’s not even hard for me.

2. Whale song- My singing voice is incredibly relaxing, yet hauntingly beautiful.

3. Alligator skin-My brother said I have skin like an alligator because of my eczema. That’s cool though. Their skin is impenetrable.

4. Raptor speed- Most people think I run as fast as a cheetah. But that’s stupid, because cheetahs run on four legs. Raptors run on two, so I think it’s pretty obvious what I run like. Plus they’re smarter, look cooler, and have better claws.

5. Bat sight- Most humans can’t see in the dark unless aided by night vision goggles. I on the other hand, use my sonar skills. Instead of using high pitched sound waves to echo off of walls and prey, I just carry around a bag of rocks. I throw them in front of me. If I hear a clanging or whimpering sound, then I know a wall or person is in my line of sight.

6. Vulture stomach- In college I could eat old, outdated food, and not get sick. I saved a ton of money by never going grocery shopping. I just ate all the food my roommates forgot about, or threw away.

7. Ant strength- Like ants, I can carry up to 50 times my bodyweight. I know because my backpack is super heavy. It has to hold all my Magic cards, nunchucks, and snacks.

8. Bear sleep- Once I’m asleep, nothing can wake me from hibernation. Not even earthquakes or treats.

9. Skunk smell- I use my natural body odor to keep away pretadors (aka loose women).

10. Chameleon fashion-  Like chameleons, I always know the latest up to the minute styles. I’m constantly changing my outfits to blend in with my surroundings- for fashion and spying.

Blog at WordPress.com.
Theme: Esquire by Matthew Buchanan.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,346 other followers