22

Apr

5 Reasons To Love Monday

Most people dread Mondays.  It marks the beginning of the work week, you can’t sleep in, and traffic is awful.  But let’s not forget about all the good things that a Monday can bring.  Don’t worry, I’m not adding more to your work load. I’ve already come up with a list.  See?  One less thing to worry about!

1.  Story opportunities –  Normally getting drunk over the weekend and passing out on your coffee table would be embarrassing.  You have a giant cut above your eye, and now you have to use strategically stacked DVDs to set your coffee and “important” work papers on.  But when you show up on Monday with that ugly wound, you can just tell everyone at work how you got in a huge fight defending some less fortunate person’s honor.  You’ll be a hero, and probably catch the attention of that special someone.  You are a protector, and would therefore make a good life partner.

business group standing around water cooler.

2.  Pranks - Mondays are the one day of the week, where it is socially acceptable to be late.  And many people take full advantage of that.  You on the other hand are not one of those people.  Why you ask?  Because when you get there early you can set up pranks. Whether it’s starting a small cubicle fire, or just putting super glue on your neighbor’s chair.  You’re bound to get a good chuckle, and full accolades from your boss for showing others not to be late.  You’ll never worry about oversleeping again.

pp345

3.  Phil Collins birthday - Now his birthday doesn’t happen on a Monday every year of course.  But it has at least a few times in his life.  And what doesn’t turn frowns upside down, like the song “Sussudio”?  Just turn that song on in your cubicle, and now you have yourself a party.  A Phil Collins birthday party!  Oh, and don’t worry about bringing your own booze, because all the drinks are on the house.  He’s filthy rich.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he also has free elephant rides in the backyard.  Or maybe a life sized castle sculpted out of ice.  Yay for Phil Collins!

4.  Happy hour lasts longer - Almost every restaurant or bar has some form of happy hour on Monday.  And because it’s a Monday, they don’t expect very much customer traffic.  Which means happy hour starts earlier, and ends later.  They don’t actually expect people to come in and drink, so why not slash those drink prices down? It couldn’t hurt business right?  Wrong.  Yet again, they have underestimated you.  Show them what you’re made of.  Drink like it’s Saturday, and time travel right into Tuesday morning.

hh234

5.  Only four more days - When you’re awoken from your drunken stupor by the light of the rising morning sun, don’t cry or feel sorry for yourself.  You made it through the hardest day of the week.  You only have four more days to go champ! And don’t forget Tuesday is short for Taco Tuesdays!  Now go attack the rest of the week like you always do.  You’re a winner!

odtgh68

31 days ago Short URL 11 Comments

Humor/Random

/////////

25

Mar

Fun Shower Activities With A Partner

When I was in college, my roommate would constantly take showers with his girlfriend.  This man was an idiot.  Showers are small, and usually only have one fountain head.  That means one of them was standing in the cold.  And last time I checked, ladies don’t like being cold (I’m somewhat of an expert).  I never understood what they were doing in there.  But it must have been bad, because they were always making hurting sounds.  So being the problem solver that I am, I came up with some possible solutions for activities in the shower. That way you, or anyone you know, will never have to be cold or bored in the shower again.  You’re welcome ahead of time. 

skd23

1.  Dress Appropriately –  The first and most important factor to consider is the temperature.  So to avoid hypothermia, both of you should be dressed in wet suits.  The kind used for arctic diving preferably.  That way your shower positioning shouldn’t matter at all, and the activities can continue.  Remember to have the right goggles, and make sure that none of your skin is showing.  You want to keep in that body heat. 

dsmr1

2.  Drawing Contests - Once in your wetsuit, you can turn the shower nozzle on.  Turn the heat up all the way and let the steam engulf the room.  You will notice the glass shower door is covered in this newfound water vapor.  Now this next part will sound impossible, but I promise you it’s true.  Take your finger, and draw a straight line on the glass.  Like magic, your finger has become a paintbrush, and the shower is your canvas.  Write your name, draw a dinosaur, or simply make up your own designs.  Challenge each other, and watch both of your skills improve!

vgp1

3.  Instant Beards - Ladies can’t grow beards (except for witches), so now is your chance to see what it would be like.  Or if you’re a man who still can’t grow a mustache, then  now you can.  Start by pouring some soap into your hands.  Then rub them together.  Once you have a lather, apply the soap to your face.  Instant beards. 

inbd

4.  Shower Wine - Do you enjoy red wine, but hate the stains it can create?  How many articles of clothing and carpets have been ruined by this delicious adult beverage?  That’s why I drink heavily in the shower.  No stains on the carpet, because there is no carpet to stain.  Shower floor is not only water proof, it’s also wine proof.  And since society looks down on drinking alone, you now have a partner to cheers with.  Go team!

oak aging

5.  Don’t Die - You’re most likely good and drunk at this point and suffering from mild heat exhaustion.  What you want to do now, is exit the shower and get out of your wetsuit without passing out, or slipping and cracking your head.  Remember always let your partner go out first.  You invited them, and as a host, manners are the most important.  Plus, once they’re out and safe they have a better chance of resuscitating you.  So follow these simple guidelines, and your shower sharing experience will improve twenty fold. But of course, don’t forget rule number one- Always have fun!

stm

59 days ago Short URL 27 Comments

Humor/Random

////////

07

Mar

5 Household Uses For Moonshine

How many times have you tripped over that giant pile of illegal moonshine sitting in your living room?  Like a million?  I know, but you can stop worrying.  I did some research, and I found that moonshine actually has quite a few househould uses.  I thought I might share them with you, so you can free up the space.  Here they are -

1.  Heat Source - Gas bills can add up, and firewood is heavy and often covered in black widow spiders.  Why go through all that trouble when you can simply start a small fire in your dining room?  Pour jars of moonshine on that antique coffee table you’ve recently lit aflame, and watch the magic happen.  It may result in a small explosion (or big explosion depending on how much you use).  But boy howdy, will you feel the warmth!  Just think, in the movie Rocketeer his rocket pack ran on alcohol.  If you have rocket fuel in your house, why not use it?  That’s simply science.

rtpt

2.  Cleaning Solution - Now I had to stop drinking moonshine because it was giving me too many bloody noses.  So I started thinking, if this liquid could do that to the my body, imagine what it could do to germs!  No more time consuming scrubbing and expensive anti-bacterial sprays.  Just pour the moonshine on your stove and watch the grease melt away.  Forget messy laundry detergents.  Throw in some moonshine. Grass and pizza stains won’t stand a chance.

cpfu

3.  Mouthwash - After reading number two, this should be pretty self-explanatory.

mw

4.  Entertainment System - Who needs TV or video games, when you can drink whiskey out of a jar and wake up outside?  Paying for cable, Internet, or Netflix is not just stupid, it’s ignorant.  You have moonshine, and you know better.  So the next time your friend brags about how he got the Walking Dead on Blu-ray, tell him you were busy regaining conciousness in a gas station bathroom, covered in nacho cheese.  Then we’ll see who had a better Wednesday night.

esf23

5.  Preservative – Let’s face it.  Refrigerators have never been dependable.  Not only do they break constantly, but they’re also bad for the environment.  The electricity can go out, or god forbid you acidently leave the door open.  A week’s worth of groceries wasted.  Talk about throwing money down the drain!  That’s why I store all of my perishables in moonshine.  You can have egg jars.  Meat jars.  Or even fruit and vegetable jars, if you’re into that.  Pirates used to store the heads of their enemies in barrels of alcohol.  If it’s good enough for pirates, then it’s damn well good enough for me.

mj2

77 days ago Short URL 19 Comments

Humor/Random

//////////

21

Nov

My List of Thankfulness 2012

With Thanksgiving coming up, it’s time to be thankful for things.  Here’s my list of things I’m thankful for!

1. Benjamin Franklin.  Great hair, and great almanacs. Nuff said.

2. I don’t have leprosy.

3. Chains.  They’re fun to swing from. Make great weapons, and look cool if you wear them as jewelry.

4. Cheetahs.

5. Finding Parmesan cheese in the fridge when I thought we were out.

6. Guns that shoot nets.

7. Rocks in the shape of guns.

8. Boobs.

9. Cool Runnings.

10. Spanish architecture.

11. Bricks. For giving me something to karate chop.

12. Liquor that you can drink. But also use as rocket fuel. Because I have a rocket ship.

13. Bandannas.

14. The Chronicles of Narnia.

15. Cauldrons.  Perfect for soups and spells.

But enough about me, what are you thankful for?

183 days ago Short URL 25 Comments

Random

////////////

18

Nov

Sunday Brunch Checklist

There’s nothing better than finishing the weekend with good food and friends (the two f’s).  I love the fun and ambiance of brunch. It’s just so care free.  But before I go, I always run through my checklist to make sure I’m ready to go.

1.  Remember my flask- It’s the only day of the week that morning drinking is acceptable.  For once I can tell people- “Oh I never do this, but I guess since it’s brunch I’ll have a little…”  And honestly I always find the whole champagne and orange juice thing a little weak.  So I always bring a little Jack Daniels to kick it up a notch.

2.  Bring a mini boombox- I don’t care how “fancy” a place is.  If they don’t understand that eggs benedict goes better with Montell Jordan, then they’re not getting my business.

 

3.  Chipotle Tabasco hot sauce-  Don’t give me that regular Tabasco filth.  I have standards.  I make sure my girlfriend always carries a spare chipotle bottle in her purse at all times.  It can make any awful dish delicious in seconds. Oh and don’t bother buying one.  Just go to your nearest Chipotle burrito food chain, and steal one like the rest of us.  They’re just sitting out on the tables!  It’s like they want you to steal them.

4.  Cuttoff shorts-  I love eating outside, unless it’s raining (then why aren’t you drinking at home silly?).  There’s no better way to enjoy beautiful weather then being able to feel every single breeze on your nether region.

5.  A good attitude- Nothing ruins my appetite like negativity.  Brunch is not the time to talk about your job, your life goals, or how proud you are of what your child did.  I don’t care.  I’m here to party.

186 days ago Short URL 26 Comments

Random

////////////

12

Nov

Things I Wish Grew On Trees

Parents always say “Money doesn’t grow on trees”.  But fruit does, and you can sell that.  So in a matter of speaking money does grow on trees.  So now that we’ve busted that myth, let’s move onto the real issue.  What should grow on trees, but doesn’t?  Here are my wishes.

1.  Meat-  Could you picture a bacon tree?  Imagine if meat actually grew on trees.  Then I could tell people that I was a vegetarian without lying or sounding pretentious.  No more needless slaughter of animals either.  Plus filet mignon would be the same price as an apple.  Everyone could afford quality meat.  No more class warfare.  That’s just science.

2.  Fireworks- How many times have you had to drive to some god forsaken hell hole to get illegal fireworks?  Then you save them for some special occasion, that always turns out to be awful.  And then you wish you would’ve saved them for something different, but it’s too late.  You’ll just have to wait another five years to find some guy selling M-80s out of the back of his trailer.  If they grew on trees, you could just go out to your backyard or local supermarket and pick up a new batch.  Every weekend would be 4th of July!  Or (insert holiday here)!

3. Personalities- There’s nothing worse than a boring person.  These people often hate humor or jokes in general, and love to make everyone around them miserable.  But if you could just go to a “personality orchard”, you could pick out whatever personality you wanted them to have!  They would make great gifts, and could solve just about any relationship problem.  Just think, grandpa is always hard to deal with.  Make him some pie from “kindness berries”. Watch that crankiness and racism fade away in front of your eyes.  Or take that accountant at work who acts like a robot.  Well, just give him some “emotion pears”.  Then watch them smile and use muscles in their face you never knew they had.

4.  Wine-  Wait a second.  But grapes already grow on a vine.  Why do we need a wine tree?  For exactly that reason, grapes grow naturally, but wine doesn’t.  How many countless man hours are spent waiting for grapes to ferment into wine?  Billions, if not trillions.  Grape cultivation is an arduous and expensive waste of time.  If man spent less time making wine, he would have more free time to spend developing things that matter- like time traveling, flying cars, and hair loss prevention.

5.  Audrey Hepburn-  This is pretty self explanatory.  She’s a babe.

192 days ago Short URL 22 Comments

Random

//////////

05

Sep

Drunk Writing… Is it possible?

I strive on being productive, and multi-tasking (not really at all).  So I thought it be would important to save time and get drunk while I made dinner.  And I learned a few things. 1) It’s a Wednesday, so I’m over achieving. 2) My cooking doesn’t taste so bad now. And 3) After dinner writing is impossible.

How did/do so many amazing writers do this? Charles Bukowski, Jack London, Dorothy Parker, and a million other authors since the dawn of time have.  In the first ten minutes of sitting down at my laptop under the influence, I have accomplished these things: eaten frozen whip cream, watched the Queen “I Want to Break Free” video, and more importantly, found old Gatorade to mix with my left over vodka.

Now I’m not even on the same playing field of those guys/gals obviously.  I write about brunch and hating horses.  But just the fact that they could put sentences together let alone create amazing novels, breaks my brain.  Now, enough playing around.  I’m going to try and write comic books about dinosaurs with mustaches.  But congrats to the successful drunk authors out there and good night (or morning).

P.S.- WordPress recommended “writers resources” as one of the tags.  That is definitely a lie.  But I’m keeping it regardless.

260 days ago Short URL 26 Comments

Random

////////////

25

Jun

Real Life Movie Moments

More often than not, when you’re watching a movie, you think- “That would never happen. Movies are so fake…”  And they are.  But then other times they capture moments in real life that are so spot on, you feel like you’re reliving them in front of your eyes.  They can make you feel angry, laugh, or even cry.  It’s magical really.  Today I would like to share my personal “movie moments”.  Hopefully after reading them, it will remind you of your own experiences. Feel free to share, because I would love to hear it.

1. Jumanji- The premise of the movie is a supernatural board game that makes wild animals and other jungle hazards materialize upon each player’s move.  That means the house turns into a jungle, tigers are running around the living room, and there’s a full on stampede of elephants running down the street.  Cars are trampled on, and the police have no idea what to do. Now this is exactly like being a college kid during Halloween in Santa Barbara, California every year.  There’s a street there called Del Playa or “DP” as the kids call it, near the campus.  The street gets so packed, it’s hard to walk.  It’s a nonstop mosh pit, of booze, barf, and venereal disease.  But man is it fun! I got my first minor in possession there as a wee tot (for alcohol not heroin.  Sorry not as interesting I know).  There’s police just watching and waiting for kids to act up, and arrest them.   But the kids definitely outnumber the cops, and chaos and destruction is rampant.  Waking up the next morning and walking home post Halloween is similar to the aftermath of a stampede.  Car hoods are smashed in, side view mirrors knocked off, and window are broken.  Whoever is stupid enough to park their car there, deserves to be crushed.

2. Das Boot- is a German war film that portrays the claustrophobic world of a WWII German U-boat.  Boredom, filth, and sheer terror ensue.  Now I’ve never been in a submarine.  But I have gone through a car wash, in a wet suit, strapped to the hood of a car.  It was definitely claustrophobic, and I was scared shitless wondering if one of those giant brushes would crush me.  Plus I wasn’t sure if that giant air dryer would burn my flesh.  Thankfully none of the above happened, and I’m alive today.  Because man that would’ve been a stupid way to die.  Also I have this on tape somewhere, and when I find it, I’ll post it.

3. Never Been Kissed- This was 85% of high school for me.  I “kind of” figured it out by senior year.  But that could be argued too. And no, I’m not explaining the premise of this movie.  The title is the important part, go look it up if you’re interested.

4. The Fugitive- Unlike Harrison Ford’s character, who is running from the law for a murder he didn’t commit.  I did commit the crime I was running from.  No it wasn’t murder.  It was launching water balloons at passing cars from our roof.  Of course they stopped, knocked on our door, and yelled at my dad.  But I was long gone by then.  I was busy hiding out at friends houses, dodging phone calls, and sneaking back into the house once he was asleep.  So pretty much exactly like running from U.S. Marshalls, and jumping off of waterfalls.

5. Gandhi- Watching this movie changed my life.  To know that somebody else in this world liked wearing sandals as much as I did turned me inside out.  And knowing this was based on a true story, and not some fairy tale fantasy, made it all the better.  Thank you Ben Kingsley. You’ll never know what you did for me.

332 days ago Short URL 27 Comments

Random

/////////////////

04

Jun

For The Ladies

Hello Ladies. You do a lot for the world. To help take some of the pressure off, I came up with some great tips that will hopefully make life easier and more enjoyable. Here they are-

1. Oatmeal diet- My girlfriend constantly brings up this issue, that everything she likes to eat is bad for her. I struggle with this too, and that’s why I only eat oatmeal. It’s low in calories, plus it keeps you full for a long time. And if you don’t eat all of it, you can make a facial mask. Double way win.

2. Wine popsicles- No not all woman drink, but the ones I love do. Plus, wine freezes. I’ve done it before. On accident, but who cares. Anything frozen is more fun. Just think, you can only drink wine in certain designated areas. But wine popsicles you can eat anywhere. Even church!

3. Love notes- When was the last time you got a romantic note on your pillow or in your lunch? I know, you can’t even remember. I have the perfect solution. Write your own. Get out a piece of paper and list all the things special about you. Dot the I’s with hearts, and even end the note with Zozo (it’s like xoxox but sexier). But make sure to hide the note somewhere that you won’t find for a week or so. That way when you do find it, you’ll have forgotten you wrote it. What a nice surprise, and so romantic.

4. Take more baths- Showers are boring. Plus you can’t eat and shower at the same time. With baths you can do anything you want. Treat yourself, and take a nice long soak. Read a book, have a sandwich (when you’re on your cheat day from oatmeal of course), accompanied with a nice glass of champagne. Take the dirty out of cleaning, and instead add some fun.

5. Go to space- Tired of those boring sunsets? How many times can you walk along the beach? I know there’s water. It’s pretty. I get it. Try switching it up a bit, and doing something completely new. For example, like seeing the entire earth from a spaceship. It’s so beautiful, yet so small. Like the universe’s very own blueberry. Plus, when your friend starts bragging about the view of the Grand Canyon, you can tell them that’s nice, you’ve seen the entire earth.

353 days ago Short URL 46 Comments

Random

/////////////////

30

May

Eating Bowls of Failure Makes Me Strong

I like to think my failures are just as epic as my success stories. I don’t believe in half-assing things. Normally showing your emotions, is a sign of weakness. But I feel it’s time for me to acknowledge, that I too, have chinks in my armor. I did a lot of crying during these periods of my life (despite father’s disdain). But I’m not ashamed. It made me a stronger person. Plus it allowed me to feel how normal people experience failure. I can relate better to the people around me now. Mainly my many servants….I’m sorry, where were we? I tend to ramble when talking about myself. Oh yes, my failures. Read and memorize these, because I rarely open up like this.

1. Finding the Holy Grail- Is it a dish, a plate, or cup? I don’t know, because I never found it. This has always bothered me. I’m not religious. But I would’ve loved to have it in my trophy room, displayed next to all my “Best In Show” trophies. Let’s just say breeding Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, is not one of my weaknesses.

2. Eating hashbrowns with ketchup- I don’t normally stupe to the level of condiments. They were created for one reason, and one reason only. To cover the taste of trash that these peasants like to call “food.” But I’m afraid in the case of hasbrowns, I have succumbed on more than one occasion. But is it really my fault that breakfast establishments like to fill our plates with half cooked potato strips? I think not. I know it’s a scam, but I can’t help eating all my hashbrowns out of spite. And unfortunately ketchup is the only possible way to do that.

3. Summoning a successful moonspell- When you have as much money as I do, regular parties tend to be a drag. Drinking and recreational drugs start to lose their appeal after a while. I mean where do you go after drinking fermented elephant adrenaline? The occult, that’s where. Every full moon we have “spell parties” (that’s when the magik is the strongest). But for whatever reason, no matter how many eyes of newt I use, nothing ever happens. Am I enhaling too much ether? Did I hire the wrong wizards? I’m not sure. I can’t help feeling that it has something to do with me.

4. Fight a bear. And win- For the longest time, I wanted to challenge a bear to a death match. I think I was going through a big Davy Crockett phase at the time. It’s not really important. But thankfully I was clubbed by a large Russian man at a Halloween party (apparently he knows more about vodka than I do). Fortunately I counted that as a warning to change my ways. I failed that goal, but I’m alive today to tell the tale. So chalk that up as a success.

5. Meeting Johnny Depp- Oh no, I’ve met him. He’s come to quite a few of my social gatherings actually. It’s just that he’s such a bore, I wish I would’ve invited someone else. The least he could do as an actor, is act interesting. This is one of my biggest failures. Not just to me, but for my guests. I have a reputation to uphold, and I don’t need spoiled actors ruining it.

358 days ago Short URL 37 Comments

Lists

/////////////////

Blog at WordPress.com.
Theme: Esquire by Matthew Buchanan.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,230 other followers