I like to think my failures are just as epic as my success stories. I don’t believe in half-assing things. Normally showing your emotions, is a sign of weakness. But I feel it’s time for me to acknowledge, that I too, have chinks in my armor. I did a lot of crying during these periods of my life (despite father’s disdain). But I’m not ashamed. It made me a stronger person. Plus it allowed me to feel how normal people experience failure. I can relate better to the people around me now. Mainly my many servants….I’m sorry, where were we? I tend to ramble when talking about myself. Oh yes, my failures. Read and memorize these, because I rarely open up like this.
1. Finding the Holy Grail- Is it a dish, a plate, or cup? I don’t know, because I never found it. This has always bothered me. I’m not religious. But I would’ve loved to have it in my trophy room, displayed next to all my “Best In Show” trophies. Let’s just say breeding Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, is not one of my weaknesses.
2. Eating hashbrowns with ketchup- I don’t normally stupe to the level of condiments. They were created for one reason, and one reason only. To cover the taste of trash that these peasants like to call “food.” But I’m afraid in the case of hasbrowns, I have succumbed on more than one occasion. But is it really my fault that breakfast establishments like to fill our plates with half cooked potato strips? I think not. I know it’s a scam, but I can’t help eating all my hashbrowns out of spite. And unfortunately ketchup is the only possible way to do that.
3. Summoning a successful moonspell- When you have as much money as I do, regular parties tend to be a drag. Drinking and recreational drugs start to lose their appeal after a while. I mean where do you go after drinking fermented elephant adrenaline? The occult, that’s where. Every full moon we have “spell parties” (that’s when the magik is the strongest). But for whatever reason, no matter how many eyes of newt I use, nothing ever happens. Am I enhaling too much ether? Did I hire the wrong wizards? I’m not sure. I can’t help feeling that it has something to do with me.
4. Fight a bear. And win- For the longest time, I wanted to challenge a bear to a death match. I think I was going through a big Davy Crockett phase at the time. It’s not really important. But thankfully I was clubbed by a large Russian man at a Halloween party (apparently he knows more about vodka than I do). Fortunately I counted that as a warning to change my ways. I failed that goal, but I’m alive today to tell the tale. So chalk that up as a success.
5. Meeting Johnny Depp- Oh no, I’ve met him. He’s come to quite a few of my social gatherings actually. It’s just that he’s such a bore, I wish I would’ve invited someone else. The least he could do as an actor, is act interesting. This is one of my biggest failures. Not just to me, but for my guests. I have a reputation to uphold, and I don’t need spoiled actors ruining it.