Jun

5 Romantic Late Night Activities

I like to keep it romantic. So instead of doing boring things like buying flowers and giving massages, I came up with exciting new activities to fan the flames of passion. Let me share them with you, so you can do your own experimenting.

1. Make a fort- Nothing brings you closer together, than braving the wilderness. So why not pretend the wilderness is in your living room? Make a giant barricade out of blankets and cardboard boxes to protect yourself from invisible creatures. I mean, what’s hotter than imagining tigers are outside? Oh, that’s right. Nothing.

2. Read- You can read side by side or if you’re feeling really frisky, read to each other. Maybe even take turns reading chapters, to change up the pace. If your arms start to fall asleep, I suggest switching positions. I’ve found scary stories work the best for this. Tom Clancy novels not so much.

3. Eat grilled cheese- Now this is a classy sandwich. And everybody knows classy is just another way of saying romantic. So enjoy your melted cheese in the sexiest way possible, by eating it grilled. I recommend putting Parmesan in the crust. The ladies love that (men too). Just make sure to eat over the plate, because melted cheese is a pain to peel off bed sheets.

4. Thumb wrestle- Have you ever been so attracted to someone, that you just can’t keep your hands off them? Well that’s why thumb wrestling was invented. The point of the game is to touch them! You’re basically just holding hands the whole time. It really sets the mood, and brings the heat!

5. Play Jenga- My older cousin always used to go in his room with his girlfriend and play Jenga. They would play for hours. You could even hear all the fun they were having. I personally never understood this until I started playing the game with my own girlfriend. It takes skill, patience, and a steady hand. You would not believe how tall we’ve built those blocks! I highly recommend this game.

Now that I’ve done my sharing, what are some fun late night activities that you partake in?

May

Ghost Foods

I think it’s pretty common knowledge that the spirits of the undead haunt this world. This can be due to a variety of factors, but most commonly the cause is a violent death. And usually when you hear the term ghost, you think of lost human souls. But there is an entire group of ghosts that are forgotten about completely. Yes, that’s right, food ghosts. Imagine being grown, murdered, and then eaten. You would be pretty angry too right? Well they are. And they want vengeance… Here are a few to watch out for. I hope this list helps you in your everlasting crusade against wayward spirits.

1. Cauliflower - I don’t care what people say. Cauliflower is clearly ghost broccoli. Everytime you eat it, you end up burping it up for hours. That’s because it’s trapped in limbo between your stomach and intestines. It’s trying to take control of your body, through stomach possession. I recommend not eating it all, or having an immediate exorcism.

2. Beef jerky - They’re the mummies of the food world. Stripped and dried out, then wrapped up for consumption. You think it’s a coincidence that beef jerky always gets stuck in your teeth, and can only be removed with the help of floss? Not to mention it’s so hard to bite off chunks or chew. It’s their curse I tell you. They’re torturing us from beyond the grave.

3. Alcoholic spirits - I don’t even know how this is sold in stores frankly. The ghosts are clearly mocking us with the title. It’s on the label! Yet people still buy and consume these on a daily basis. Everytime you drink one of these, you’re drinking actual spirits in liquid form. With their euphoric properties, you don’t even notice them sucking away small pieces of your soul. That’s why you wake up in the morning with such a headache. Scientists try to blame this phenomenon on something called a “hangover.” But that’s just the government trying to cover it up.

4. Onions - This one is tricky. Obviously the white onions are ghosts. But what about the red and yellow onions? Are they haunted too? Yes. All of them are. Why you ask? Because they release an ectoplasmic ether that causes our eyes to burn and tear up. They’re trying to get us to mourn and feel pain for eating them and their ancestors. But they should’ve thought of that before tasting and smelling so good when carmelized.

5. Pomegranates - Or what I like to call “demon pods,” are one of the biggest threats to the human race on this planet. People pay hefty prices to buy these fruits, and they’re made up of 80% seeds. Not only is that stupid on a financial level, but everyone of those seeds can grow to be another pomegranate. It’s a never ending cycle of death, and we’re perpetuating it! People please, heed my words, and stop buying these abominations!

Apr

My Playlist For Sandwich Eating

I don’t generally enjoy my food, unless it’s accompanied by music. It could have something to do with the fact that I always eat alone (girls like a man of mystery). Or that music naturally enhances the palette. I have several “sandwich playlists” on my Ipod, that I turn on when I’m eating. The songs vary greatly depending on my mood, and the sandwich I’m ingesting. But for your sake, I’ve tried to include my favorite sandwich/song pairings. May you enjoy your own solitary eating concertos.

1. Beach Boys: Good Vibrations- It starts out kind of slow and airy, then really picks up the pace. If that’s not how you should eat an eggplant parmesan, than I don’t want to live anymore.

2. Huey Lewis: Hip to be Square- Okay, technically a quesadilla isn’t a sandwhich. But I just can’t help but giggle to the irony of eating a circular food to this song.

3. Sex Pistols: Anarchy in the U.K.- What’s more important? Being healthy, or staying true to yourself and not selling out? Not selling out, of course. So everytime I eat a burger made of turkey instead of beef, I listen to the Sex Pistols. I pretend Sid Vicious is spitting on me, as I take every bite. Man, I’m so punk…

4. Louie Louie: The Kingsmen- Whenever I’m eating a sandwich with some kind of mystery meat or spread on it, I listen to Louie Louie. You don’t know what you’re eating, but dammit, it still taste great. That’s just like Louie Louie. Nobody knows what they’re saying, but tell me that song isn’t amazing?

5. Celine Dion: My Heart Will Go On- This is my sloppy joe song. As I’m sure you already know, eating a sloppy joe can be an emotional roller coaster. They’re so good, but they’re also incredibly messy. It’s an internal conflict every time I do sit down to eat one. That’s why I need a song that can match my mood and emotions. Thank you Celine. Thank you.

Apr

Dear French Fries

Despite my previous three letters, I have still not recieved a response. I understand that you are busy, and served all over the world. But I have concerns that need to be discussed. If I am ignored again, I will assume that it is on purpose, and will be switching to sweet potato fries for the discernible future.

First off, you must do something about this hot/cool dilemma. You go from being either too hot to enjoy, immediately to cold and soggy. Neither one is enjoyable, and I find extremes very annoying. I would appreciate some middle ground, thank you. With all of today’s gourmet advancements, I find it a little baffling why you’ve done nothing to change this. Please take some time out of your “busy” schedule to look into this.

Secondly, you must do something about these “steak” fries. I understand issues with family members are not to be dealt with lightly. And I’m not suggesting you kick them out, but something must be done. To be frank, I think they are a bunch of deadbeats. I have never experienced such lazy, flavorless, takers of space in all my life. There are few foods in this world, that make me as simultaneously angry and thirsty as steak fries. Anything that has to be marinated in nacho cheese to be edible is a disgrace.

And finally, while we’re on the topic of flavor, stop hiding behind these fancy sauces. If you can’t do us the service of tasting good without the help of a curry, garlic aioli, or god forbid a chili, then what are you good for? I understand the need to continually reinvent oneself, but try and remember why we all fell in love with you in the first place. That is all, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Concerned Eater,

Andrew

P.S.- The Onion Rings have responded to every letter. Just thought you should know.

414 days ago Short URL 5 Comments

Food/Humor

Andrew Maxwell/angry letter/chili/Condiments/Cooking/curry/Food/French fries/garlic aioli/Home/Shopping/Shut up dad/Sweet potato

Mar

5 Rainy Day Activities

Despite millions of years of conditioning, the rain still seems to be a surprise for most people. If you can believe it, some people actually prefer exercise and sunshine, to eating cereal and watching cartoons. But rather than fighting about something we can’t change (yet), try to focus on being productive while inside. Like always, I’m here to help. This is my usual rainy day schedule-

1. Make Things - My two favorite things to make on a rainy day are definitely moonshine and forts. Nothing beats a good corn mash in the saftey and comfort of a new fort. But let me clarify, I don’t have a distillery. Or a bathtub for that matter. So I just improvise, and mix all the leftover hard liquors I own into an empty jar. Then I just drink out of that. Boom, you’re very own moonshine. It tastes just as bad, and you’ll be wicked drunk before you finish the jar. Oh, but make sure and build the fort first. Otherwise you’ll just pass out in a pile of blankets. I also like to bring rations (treats) into the fort. You never know how long a rain will last, and you’ll need sustenance. Or at least some kind of material to soak up the poison burning in your belly.

2. Recorder concert - One of the most under utilized instruments of this era is the recorder. Almost everyone got one in grade school, and even idiots can play them. Plus they sound amazing. Not annoying at all. Make sure and get three or four of you all playing your recorder at once. Hmm… beautiful. I can hear it now, Mary Had A Little Lamb playing in four different tunes. Now normally this would be a torture you wouldn’t wish on a terrorist, but hopefully the moonshine is kicking in at this point.

3. Listen to Sad Music - At this point, there has definitely been an argument or fight of some sort. The close quarters of the fort, moonshine, and loud noises probably set someone off. Don’t worry when you wake up the next morning, you won’t remember what you fought about anyway. But at that moment it will feel like knives in your heart. I always grab my Ipod, and just stare out the window with the Shins playing. It’s just like Garden State. Watching the rain slowly drip down the window pane is cathartic. Sometimes it’s okay to be sad.

4. Hot Dog Eating Contest- You’ll need to get the energy back up after that little spiff, and in a positive way. I always find eating makes me happy. And if you’re like me, your rations were gobbled up hours ago. Now it’s time to gather around the table and race eat. I usually just throw all the hot dogs into a pile, and put them into the microwave. Yes they split, and some of them explode, but you can give those to the person you just fought with. This is your house and your rules. Just yell go, and let the gorging begin. It’s good clean fun, and if you eat enough nitrates you glow in the dark.

5. Watch Point Break- Everyone will be falling asleep at this point due to an alcohol and food coma. Top off the day with an excellent film about friendship and pushing life to the edge. Plus it has Warchild in it, and a great rainy scene at the end to match your own enviroment.

I hope this helped my little rain friends. Remember to have fun, but be safe!

Shut Up Dad

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5 Romantic Late Night Activities

Ghost Foods

My Playlist For Sandwich Eating

Dear French Fries

5 Rainy Day Activities

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