Apr

5 Reasons To Love Monday

Most people dread Mondays. It marks the beginning of the work week, you can’t sleep in, and traffic is awful. But let’s not forget about all the good things that a Monday can bring. Don’t worry, I’m not adding more to your work load. I’ve already come up with a list. See? One less thing to worry about!

1. Story opportunities – Normally getting drunk over the weekend and passing out on your coffee table would be embarrassing. You have a giant cut above your eye, and now you have to use strategically stacked DVDs to set your coffee and “important” work papers on. But when you show up on Monday with that ugly wound, you can just tell everyone at work how you got in a huge fight defending some less fortunate person’s honor. You’ll be a hero, and probably catch the attention of that special someone. You are a protector, and would therefore make a good life partner.

2. Pranks - Mondays are the one day of the week, where it is socially acceptable to be late. And many people take full advantage of that. You on the other hand are not one of those people. Why you ask? Because when you get there early you can set up pranks. Whether it’s starting a small cubicle fire, or just putting super glue on your neighbor’s chair. You’re bound to get a good chuckle, and full accolades from your boss for showing others not to be late. You’ll never worry about oversleeping again.

3. Phil Collins birthday - Now his birthday doesn’t happen on a Monday every year of course. But it has at least a few times in his life. And what doesn’t turn frowns upside down, like the song “Sussudio”? Just turn that song on in your cubicle, and now you have yourself a party. A Phil Collins birthday party! Oh, and don’t worry about bringing your own booze, because all the drinks are on the house. He’s filthy rich. I wouldn’t be surprised if he also has free elephant rides in the backyard. Or maybe a life sized castle sculpted out of ice. Yay for Phil Collins!

4. Happy hour lasts longer - Almost every restaurant or bar has some form of happy hour on Monday. And because it’s a Monday, they don’t expect very much customer traffic. Which means happy hour starts earlier, and ends later. They don’t actually expect people to come in and drink, so why not slash those drink prices down? It couldn’t hurt business right? Wrong. Yet again, they have underestimated you. Show them what you’re made of. Drink like it’s Saturday, and time travel right into Tuesday morning.

5. Only four more days - When you’re awoken from your drunken stupor by the light of the rising morning sun, don’t cry or feel sorry for yourself. You made it through the hardest day of the week. You only have four more days to go champ! And don’t forget Tuesday is short for Taco Tuesdays! Now go attack the rest of the week like you always do. You’re a winner!

58 days ago Short URL 12 Comments

Humor/Random

Andrew Maxwell/comedy/Drink/drinking/Happy hour/Monday/Phil Collins/Shut up dad/Sussudio/Workweek and weekend

Apr

How To Survive A Pterodactyl Attack

Now I’m not stupid. I know there hasn’t been a pterodactyl attack since the late 1960′s. But let’s face it. Global warming has been causing us quite a few problems of late. My guess is the pterodactyl habitats will be the next to be affected, causing them to seek refuge elsewhere. First we might notice a few sightings, then a few turns into hundreds, and hundreds turns into all out pterodactyl war. London barely survived the first war. I don’t think we could handle another one. That’s why I think it’s important to spread awareness on how to protect yourself, in case you are attacked. Here are a few life saving tips.

1. Wear a shirt made of knives - Yes, technically you can also wear chainmail if you don’t want to spend the extra money for a knife shirt. The chainmail will protect you from their talons, and the material is heavy enough to keep you from being swooped off the ground. But if one of these bastards is going to attack me, I want him to have something to remember me by. I want him to hestitate next time he tries to pick up some “easy prey”. Nothing does that better than multiple lacerations to your feet.

2. Always be aware of weather conditions - Summer is a very popluar season, and with good reason. You can go camping, swimming, barbecuing, and the list goes on. Nothing but clear skies. You can’t wish for anything better than that. Wrong. You know who else loves summer? Pterodactyls. Nothing makes hunting easier than clear flying conditions, and crowds of people gathered together in one convenient spot. Imagine flying above Coachella or Bonnaroo. By attending one of these music festivals it’s like you’re asking to be eaten. That’s why I always recommend doing all traveling or extracurricular activities during snow or hailstorms. You may not be comfortable, but neither will the Pterodactyls. Plus, as long as you have good friends and booze, it won’t matter where you are.

3. Take pilot lessons - Do you want to live your life as a sheep or a wolf? If you said sheep, than you’re wasting both our time. Pterodactyls need to know if they attack us, there will be consequences. You kill one of us, we kill three of you. And the only way to do that is by beating them at their own game – flying. Pterodactyls are expert hunters, and fliers. They glide effortlessly through the air, with manuvers that would make anything in Top Gun look like childs play. But last time I checked, machine guns and heat seeking missiles beat talons everytime. Whether you learn to fly a plane, jet, or zeppelin, is up to you. But all of them have their uses, and will help further the war effort. Do your part and learn to fly something.

4. Familarize yourself with the latest harpoon gun and bazooka models - Of course a fully armed F-16 is going to be more effective than a bazooka. But for economic reasons, not every single person can have their own personal jet. But shoulder rockets and old fashioned whaling guns are another story. Not to mention, some missions may call for more of a scapel approach than a baseball bat, if I can use that analogy. Also, I don’t want any green party members to think I don’t care about the enviroment. Harpoons only hurt the Pterodactyls. Let’s not forget that abusing mother nature is what caused this whole fiasco in the first place.

5. Treat everyone with kindess - Pterodactyls have no understanding of kindness. Their hearts are made of hate, and death runs in their veins. Everytime you treat another human with malice or disdain, you’re acting just like a Pterodactyl. Plus, you could be dead at any moment. Taking out that trash, may be the last thing you ever do. So be nice, and wave to everyone. You’re neighbor may not warn you if he sees a swooping Pterdactyl coming down, after your dog just took a shit on his lawn. Treat people how you would like to be treated, and you’ve already won half the battle.

65 days ago Short URL 24 Comments

Humor/Random

Andrew Maxwell/Coachella/comedy/Dinosaur/History/London/Pterodactyl/Pterodactylus/Recreation/Shut up dad

Apr

Rattlesnake Problem

Ha! Is this some kind of sick joke? I’ll start showing rattlesnakes respect when they start earning it. Everyone knows rattlesnakes come from a long line of thieves and liars. Not to mention they’re a bunch of hole living pagans.

When I was in the sixth grade, I let a rattlesnake borrow my Best of Hall & Oates CD. Guess what? He still has it. I should’ve known something was up, when he said his favorite song was “Private Eyes”. Snakes can’t even see color! He was mocking me to my face, and robbing me blind. But that’s a rattlesnake for you.

So when you see these signs ignore them. Don’t fall for this rattlesnake propaganda. These creatures act like animals, and should be treated as such. Only a heathen would bite someone, over sitting down and having an adult conversation. Hopefully someday, we can live in a world without snakes. But until that day, feel free to stomp and make loud noises as you please. Thank you, and good day.

72 days ago Short URL 38 Comments

Humor/Random

Andrew Maxwell/comedy/Hall & Oates/Rattlesnake/respect/Shut up dad/Snakebite

Apr

How High School Was Like Prohibition

Prohibition was a ban on the sale, manufacture, and transportation of alcohol during the 1920′s and early 30′s in American history. For some reason, the irony of this never hit me in high school, when I was actually studying it. It probably had something to do with the brain cells I was destroying, living out my own anti-prohibition movement every weekend. I mean, think of the excuses I could’ve used if I had only been paying attention- “You don’t understand officer, I’m doing a school project by reliving life during the Volstead Act!” The police officer would’ve let me off on principal alone. But no, I had to be an ignoramus. Don’t be like me. Read this and educate yourself.

1. Anti-Saloon League - They were the leading organization campaigning for Prohibition, and one of the main reasons it passed. “Most” parents fall into this category. And I don’t blame them. Having to take care of a drunk person when you’re sober is a punishment worse than death. Taking care of a drunk teenager is something I wouldn’t wish on a terrorist. They don’t know their limits, or how to handle themselves. They’re like the ebola virus. But an ebola virus that you have to pick up at two in the morning, who won’t shut the fuck up, and barfs in your car. So as an adult now, I get why my parents might have been a little mad from time to time.

2. Bootleggers - Despite alcohol being illegal during Prohibition, it wasn’t hard to find. You just had to know the right people. There were many different avenues to buy alcohol from, at a variety of prices and quality. High school was no different. Fake IDs, older siblings, or homeless guys were always solid go-to sources. To further bring the point home, there was even fellow classmates I knew that would steal alcohol for a price. If that’s not bootlegging, then I don’t know what is.

3. Transport Of Goods – During Prohibition, bootleggers found clever ways to smuggle in cases of liquor. Whether it was using secret panels in their cars to conceal the booze, altering clothing, or driving caravans over dangerous frozen lakes. These motivated individuals always found a way. I’d like to think my friends and I carried on their adventurous spirit. We had a graduation trip to Disneyland, which meant big risks sneaking in booze, with even bigger conquences. But that did not deter us, for we had ingenuity on our side. Pints of liquor fit great in cereal boxes, and can also be injected into oranges. Teachers may know a lot, but apparently they didn’t know this.

4. Speakeasies - Were establishments that illegally sold alcoholic beverages during Prohibition. A person could congregate with other drinkers, and enjoy the nightlife. High school had these too. They were made up by the homes of kids with “cool parents.” Which is code for parents who don’t care about them. That, or they were just never around. So we kids had free reign! These were the places you would go to on a regular basis, and drink until someone barfed or got pregnant. Usually both. Eventually these safe havens were discovered, as the police received noise complaints or property damage became excessive. Even cool parents don’t like their tables smashed in half from keg stand accidents.

5. Raids - Speakeasies weren’t invincible. If they became too popular and the word got out, the police would come a-knocking. If these cops couldn’t be bought, then you could guarantee they were going to come in and smash up the joint. Speakeasy owners would need to hide the evidence, and patrons would need to disappear. What do you think happens at a high school party? I have seen an entire keg thrown through a fence on at least two occassions. Of course the cops found it next to the keg sized hole in the fence, but at least we were being proactive. And in terms of disappearing, that was never a problem. A simple fence hop, or bush dive was sufficient. Police officers, even bored ones, do not enjoy giving chase so they can call some drunk kid’s parents.

77 days ago Short URL 15 Comments

Humor/Random

Alcoholic beverage/Andrew Maxwell/comedy/Disneyland/High school/Police officer/Prohibition/Prohibition in the United States/Shut up dad/Speakeasy/Volstead Act

Apr

5 Ways To Be More Competitive

Are you tired of being picked last? Are you tired of being pushed on the ground by some giant ogre, and being told, “Sorry, I’m just really competitive.” Well I was. That is until I found the recipe for victory. And it tastes fantastic. I win so much now, that I had to actually look up in the dictionary what “losing” meant. It was such a foreign concept. But after reading it, I just got mad, and I won a bunch of more stuff. I’m okay now, and I don’t want anyone else to have to feel like that. So to spare you those emotions, I’ve written down my five secrets to being more competitive. Godspeed.

1. Shark Adrenaline - Sharks can swim faster than jets. They can bite through steel bricks. If you try to shoot one, you will soon realize that their skin is also bulletproof. You will try to run, but being that you’re in water, you can’t. Sorry, you’re dead. Now imagine having all those abilities at your disposal. You would be unstoppable. I’m not going to lie to you, shark adrenaline is not easy to get. Plus, it will cost you an arm and leg. Literally. You will have to go into the water and take the adrenaline from the shark while it’s alive. Cheap knock offs and shark extract have been sold in stores before, and they don’t work. You must go to the source. It’s worth it, I promise.

2. Brass Knuckles - Let’s see how fast your opponent runs after getting socked.

3. Time Travel - You’ll never wonder who won the game ever again. You can just go into the future and see. Then go back in time and change it. Who cares about the “butterfly effect”. So changing one little detail may kick off the apocalypse. You still won that game of minature golf right? No one will ever call you a loser.

4. Cybernetics - The only thing stronger than a shark, is a Terminator. Now imagine if you had a Terminator arm? You wouldn’t just throw a ball over a building. You would throw the ball through the building. Plus with the fake organic skin covering your arm, no one would be the wiser. And since you already have the time machine, getting the advanced technology shouldn’t be a problem.

5. The Right Attitude – I don’t care if you have all of these items above. If you don’t have the right attitude, you’ve already lost. Believing in yourself is always the key to success. Winning doesn’t mean scoring a thousand baskets, or getting a million home runs. Winning starts and ends with the heart.

79 days ago Short URL 18 Comments

Humor/Random

Andrew Maxwell/be more competitive/comedy/Shark/Shut up dad/Sports/Time travel

Mar

Fun Shower Activities With A Partner

When I was in college, my roommate would constantly take showers with his girlfriend. This man was an idiot. Showers are small, and usually only have one fountain head. That means one of them was standing in the cold. And last time I checked, ladies don’t like being cold (I’m somewhat of an expert). I never understood what they were doing in there. But it must have been bad, because they were always making hurting sounds. So being the problem solver that I am, I came up with some possible solutions for activities in the shower. That way you, or anyone you know, will never have to be cold or bored in the shower again. You’re welcome ahead of time.

1. Dress Appropriately – The first and most important factor to consider is the temperature. So to avoid hypothermia, both of you should be dressed in wet suits. The kind used for arctic diving preferably. That way your shower positioning shouldn’t matter at all, and the activities can continue. Remember to have the right goggles, and make sure that none of your skin is showing. You want to keep in that body heat.

2. Drawing Contests - Once in your wetsuit, you can turn the shower nozzle on. Turn the heat up all the way and let the steam engulf the room. You will notice the glass shower door is covered in this newfound water vapor. Now this next part will sound impossible, but I promise you it’s true. Take your finger, and draw a straight line on the glass. Like magic, your finger has become a paintbrush, and the shower is your canvas. Write your name, draw a dinosaur, or simply make up your own designs. Challenge each other, and watch both of your skills improve!

3. Instant Beards - Ladies can’t grow beards (except for witches), so now is your chance to see what it would be like. Or if you’re a man who still can’t grow a mustache, then now you can. Start by pouring some soap into your hands. Then rub them together. Once you have a lather, apply the soap to your face. Instant beards.

4. Shower Wine - Do you enjoy red wine, but hate the stains it can create? How many articles of clothing and carpets have been ruined by this delicious adult beverage? That’s why I drink heavily in the shower. No stains on the carpet, because there is no carpet to stain. Shower floor is not only water proof, it’s also wine proof. And since society looks down on drinking alone, you now have a partner to cheers with. Go team!

5. Don’t Die - You’re most likely good and drunk at this point and suffering from mild heat exhaustion. What you want to do now, is exit the shower and get out of your wetsuit without passing out, or slipping and cracking your head. Remember always let your partner go out first. You invited them, and as a host, manners are the most important. Plus, once they’re out and safe they have a better chance of resuscitating you. So follow these simple guidelines, and your shower sharing experience will improve twenty fold. But of course, don’t forget rule number one- Always have fun!

86 days ago Short URL 27 Comments

Humor/Random

Andrew Maxwell/bad roommate/comedy/diving suits/drinking/hypothermia/romantic ideas/shower/Shut up dad

Mar

5 Guaranteed Tips For Networking

For most people, networking can be a difficult and intimidating process. For me though, it’s like breathing. Breathing or making money, because I do both 24/7. I have a rocket ship shaped piano. Not because I needed one, but simply because I could afford one. I’m not saying that to be arrogant, but just as proof to demonstrate to you how well I’m doing. So now that I’ve convinced you of my prowess, let’s move on to these life changing tips.

1. Never force Cool Runnings into the conversation. Although this topic often comes up in normal conversation, don’t push it too hard. Let it come naturally. Believe me, everybody knows the combination of John Candy as a coach for Jamaican bobsledders is amazing. And Sanka’s song is incredibly catchy. But don’t try to steer the conversation. If you took anything from this amazing film, hopefully it was teamwork.

2. Try not to sweat when you eat. I know, I get excited too. Eating is my second favorite thing. But unfortunately, food induced stimulation can lead to sweating. It’s gross. Sweating should only happen when you’re playing video games. If by chance you get invited to dinner by an employer, and you sweat like you just watched Mean Girls by yourself, then this can be a total deal breaker.

3. Bring a hype man(s). If I’ve learned anything from hip hop (and I’ve learned a lot), it’s that you need someone to get the word out. A person to get that “hot shit” out there, if you will. Plus recruiters probably won’t tell you this. But they love being screamed at over boom box beats. They’re definitely not jet lagged or hung over from the night before. So turn it up!

4. Have smoke bombs on hand. I know this is kind of a given, and I shouldn’t even have to say this. But some people still don’t carry around smoke bombs. I know. It’s just so ignorant. Mainly, because they can be used in almost any situation. Want to make an awesome first impression? Throw down a smoke bomb when you’re exiting the interview. Having a bad interview? Do the same thing. The smoke bomb may actually change their mind, and if not, you’ll be long gone by the time the smoke clears.

5. Fill your camelbak with liquor. Alcohol is the key to networking. All worthwhile conversations, business deals, and children were conceived over drinking. If you can remember the night, then you did a bad job. That’s why I’m only sober when I’m sleeping or abalone diving (drinking and swimming is not a game, unless you’re playing drunk swimming). So make sure and fill your specially designed hydration backpack with liquor, instead of stupid “important” fluids like water. If it was so important, than we would party with water instead of jager bombs.

Follow these tips, and you will be sure to succeed in whatever endeavor you pursue.

91 days ago Short URL 26 Comments

Humor/Lists

Andrew Maxwell/Business/career advice/comedy/Cool Runnings/job fair/John Candy/networking/Shut up dad

Mar

Dear Dog Sh@t

Please leave me and my shoes alone. It is not funny or cute. And frankly I’m tired of it. Not to mention you did a great job of embarrassing me at that recent dinner party. Thank you so much for that. The smell of freshly smeared fecal matter goes great with eggplant parmesan. Plus, it really complemented the brand new white carpet. I think it goes without saying that I was an instant hit. I’m sure they’ll have me back soon. Oh wait, that’s right, they hate me.

Also while I have your attention, why is it that you are so hard to get rid of? A high powered fire hose seems to be the only remedy. Maybe if you kept to yourself more often people would actually tolerate you. I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I think it’s a good start.

I hope this little chat has sunk in and that you will change your current life path. Thank you and good day.

-Andrew

93 days ago Short URL 16 Comments

Humor/Letters/Random

Andrew Maxwell/cleaning/comedy/dog clean up/dogs/Shut up dad

Mar

5 Ways To Kill A Wizard(s)

As most of you know, one in five people are challenged by a wizard everyday. For all I know, you yourself may have been challenged. And unless you were trained from birth to battle them, or have an uncanny ability to learn magic (odds are you aren’t the chosen one, so no), you probably got beat. Bad. Whether it was a temporary spell or a full body transformation, your life has been forever changed. So to prevent this from happening, I have taken precautions to provide you with alternatives. With these simple suggestions, you can take the power back and end their evil ways. Here are some of my favorite weapons-

1. Karate - Relax. I know this is obvious, and that’s why I’m getting it out of the way first. But let’s be honest. Karate is the answer to most things in life- bullies, crime, and especially wizards. Watch how powerful he is once his magic staff has been karate chopped in half. Then when he tries to beg for mercy, let him taste your jump kick.

2. Trail Mix – All wizards are deathly allergic to peanuts. Let’s see them try to cast a spell with their throats swollen shut. Am I right? All you need to do is carry around a bag of trail mix at all times. But make sure to have the kind that has M & M’s or yogurt covered raisins in it. Then when you encounter one, offer him some of these M & M’s that have been laced in the deadly legume dust. Who can resist free chocolate? No one. Especially not wizards.

3. Smash Mouth Songs - Warning. Before we get into this pointer, you need to be aware that over exposure of Smash Mouth songs can be harmful to you too. Our bodies can handle a lot more than a wizard’s can. But excessive Smash Mouth can cause hair loss and internal bleeding. As long as you know that ahead of time, you will be fine. The easiest way to do this, is have one of their songs saved as a ringtone. That way you have quick, easy access when you’re confronted with an evil wizard. Soon as you hit play, you should see results immediately.

4. Falconry - All wizards have owls for pets / murder weapons. That is one of the reasons why it’s so hard to run from a wizard. They can send their owls after you. And talons hurt really bad. That’s why you should take up falconry. Falcons beat owls every time in a bird fight. Plus you can send your falcon off to fetch more weapons in the heat of battle. I cannot emphazise this enough.

5. Magic Tank - Ten years ago, this item wouldn’t have been on my list. Back then, these were hard to come by, being that Narnia was the sole manufacturer. As you know, Narnia isn’t an easy place to gain access to. But now you can buy them on Ebay, through their Ebay store. Take that wizard. You may have magic, but we have technology. Technology that we can use to buy giant magic proof cannons.