22

May

5 Ways To Keep The Passion Alive

My girlfriend is an attractive lawyer. I am, well… Neither of those things. I’m dating way above my level. So in order to keep “bringing the thunder”, I have developed some sure fire tips to keep the romance alive.

1.  Give lots of gifts - Who doesn’t like gifts? No one! Plus it’s a great way to show that special person you care. That’s why I constantly give her back massage coupons and jewelry made of foil. Massages are relaxing, and foil is better than real jewelry because if she doesn’t like it, I can mold her something new. It’s like she has her very own blacksmith!

bdes21

2.  Learn useful skills - Whether it’s doing dishes, setting the DVR, or making fresh arrowheads. Always do your part around the house. Nobody likes a lazy person. That is unless you’re a very attractive lazy person. But even then you just get a little more time than the rest of us.

a111

3.  Exhibit your talents - The key is to only show off your talents, while effectivley hiding your weaknesses. For example: One time we were at the park, and a frisbee flew in our direction. I blocked it with my arm, shielding her gorgeous face. To the naked eye I looked invunerable. She now knows I will always be there to protect her. In reality, my arm hurt for like a half an hour. Like it got slapped. Hard. But that’s all in the name of love.

wcf45

4.  Have interesting hobbies you can share - The amount of interesting hobbies I have are staggering. Let me just list off a few here: seed collecting, waltzing, archaeology, magic, military history, boat design, paper mache sculpture, and the study of meteorites are just some of many. You see what I’m getting at here? She can pick one, or all of them. There’s so many fun possibilities there, she’ll never get bored.

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5.  Be spontaneous – I like to hide all of our food, and then surprise her with a fully cooked gourmet meal. She goes from expecting nothing to duck l’orange (yes, I’m that fancy). Keeping your relationship fresh with surprises is essential. So switch it up from time to time. Good luck!

dlor

3 days ago Short URL 32 Comments

Humor/Random

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16

May

My Old Stand Up Notebook

Recently I was going through a box of junk, and came across one of my old stand up notebooks. It was here I would record my “genius” bits to try out on stage. I flipped through it cringing and smiling at the same time. Which I guess is a good analogy of how stand up was in general. It can be awkward, humiliating, and empowering all at once.

Everytime I went up, I would bring a mini digital recorder. Then I would go home later and listen to it. I would write down what worked and what didn’t. Soon my notebook became a place not only to write bits, but also sort of a journal too. Here let me share some exerpts-

  • When using the urinal tonight, a guy kicked the bathroom door open and yelled “This is where the dicks hang out!” At first I was startled, and kind of angry. But then again, he did have a point.
  • A prop comic went up today. His stage name was Mario Jazzberry. Not very good at comedy. But very good at naming.
  • Big weird bald guy was standing by me and not saying anything, carrying a camera, and breathing heavy. He leaned over to me and whispered, “Hey did you go yet?” I told him no, and he replied, “Good.” I didn’t want to go up anymore.
  • Played Phil Collins “Invisible Touch” on a boom box before my set, to pump up the crowd. It shows potential, but not there yet.
  • Fellow open miker got heckled by an Elvis impersonator, who really looked like Neil Young. When this was brought to his attention on stage he and his family threatened the comedian with violence.
  • Tied for third place in the competition with a guy named “Crazy Larry.” Again. Will be having my own eating contest with myself tonight. That I will win.

I also got wasted before my first real show, and made call backs to jokes I never told. But that is a much longer story, and you get the basic idea of what my journal was like.

I’m glad I did stand up, and I have some good memories. But I was never fully committed. If you want to do stand up, you need to jump in and be there for the long haul. You have to really love it, to pursue it. Because it can be soul sucking and miserable. I figured I would always sort of learn to enjoy it like church or after school sports, but that never really happened. I only did it for two years during college, where I spent a majority of my time driving from open mic to open mic. Occasionally I got onto a booked show, that people actually had to pay to see. And I owe my friends a lot for always being so supportive and coming to them. Two drink mininums plus admission prices can be expensive, especially when you’re a broke college student.

Eventually I spent more time writing then I did preforming, and I found I enjoyed it more. I can’t say I miss almost barfing before a set, or waiting until midnight to go up on stage. But there’s nothing like crafting a joke from scratch, and seeing a whole room laugh at it. When you’re up there, you get instant feedback. You always know exactly where you stand. You’re either funny or your not. And that I’m glad I got to experience. Even if it was for just a little while.

9 days ago Short URL 11 Comments

Humor/Random

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13

May

How To Wrestle A Bear (And Win)

My family comes from a long line of bear wrestlers. I’d like to think after so many generations, that we know our way around a bear. I mean the biggest proof of that is mainly that we’re alive. If we didn’t have the gift, than my bloodline would’ve died out years ago. So if you’ve been trying to get into the sport, or just have some mild curiosity. Then you’ve come to the right place. Let me share my five easy tips, that are guaranteed to have you being the one giving the “bear hugs”. Disclaimer this article is not in reference to the term “bears”, used to refer to big hairy gay men. If you want to wrestle them, you should start off by asking politely. It’s called courtesy. Anyway on to the wrestling!

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1.  Stretch - You laugh now. But try to explain to your significant other that the reason you have fresh bear claw tracts on your chest, is because you got a charlie horse in mid grapple. Always, always, stretch. I can’t say that enough. I realize it doesn’t necessarily look “cool” or “manly”, but neither is dying. Stretching is a good habit to start now, that will benefit you later in life. This isn’t just a good bear wrestling choice, but a good life choice.

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2.  Establish dominance with eye contact - An experienced bear, can look into your eyes and know in two seconds whether you “have it” or don’t. Eighty percent of winning is eye contact. As soon as you step into that ring of fire, never break eye contact. Listen to the ref, but do not look at him. He’s only there to make sure there’s no crotch punching and to pull your lifeless corpse away. Show that bear you fear nothing. That you have met mother nature, and she is a much crueler beast than both of you. You have not only met her, but suckled at her teat. You. Are. Wild.

ce235

3.  Always strike first - Your intial notion will be to size up the bear, circle, and wait for him/her to make the first move. Wrong. Immediately attack. Bears are driven by bloodlust. If they strike first, and get a scent of your blood, it will drive them mad. They will soon become an unstoppable fury. That is why you must draw first blood. When bears smell their own blood, it gives them a sense of their own mortality. They now know you are a force to be reckoned with, and this battle could go either way. I recommend chest kicks or uppercuts to start off. Headbutts to the nose are the most affective, but require close quarters and can be a high risk in the beginning.

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4.  Channel Davy Crockett - As the rounds continue, you will definitely be struggling with fatique. Part of that is due to bloodloss. But the majority will be from natural exhaustion. Bears are strong and heavy, so there’s no away to avoid it. Cardio and conditioning can only take you so far. Whether you survive or not will completely rely on your own mental tenacity. In my family, we were taught to channel Davy Crockett. Mr. Crockett was one of the best that ever lived. Most modern bear wrestling techniques are still based on his teachings from 200 years ago. I recommend wearing a racoon skinned hat as a mental aide. Most regulation games allow them.

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5.  Have a power move(s) - I think it’s common knowledge that you should have power moves for almost every situation. Whether we’re talking about bear wrestling, the bedroom, or karaoke. They can save your life. When both of you are nearing the end of your rope, you need a special move to “wrap it up”. Nothing stops a bear dead in his tracks like a German suplex. I recommend having a few in your arsenal, so it will be harder for the bears to train against them.

srtg7

12 days ago Short URL 27 Comments

Humor/Random

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06

May

Board Games I Wish Existed

When I was younger, my parents pushed the board games pretty hard. But my brother and I hated them. Monopoly always took three hours, and Operation stressed me out. The only one they ever had any succuss with was Weapons and Warriors (We had both castle and pirate addition). And that was because the whole point of the game was to shoot plastic pellets at your opponents fort. The parts actually exploded on contact! The mini cannons were so powerful that they actually destroyed a majority of our Christmas ornaments. I know fantastic, right? So maybe if board games were a little more interesting, we would’ve played them more. I realize board-gaming play has since improved over the years (so Settlers of Catan fans stop yelling at their computer screens now). But I feel I can add some good ideas out into the gaming ether. Feel free to add your own ideas below -

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1.  Donner Party : The Game - If you’re unaware of the whole Donner Party story, it goes like this – A group of American pioneers in 1846 traveled from Illinois to California. On the way, exposure, starvation, and disease drove them to cannalbilism. In this game you have to make it to California (last spot on the board) without being eaten alive. Stay alive by pulling the right chance card. Pull a musket card, shoot your way ahead two spots. But be careful, if you pull a short straw card, you’ve been nominated to be eaten. You must then take your covered wagon game piece back to the beginning. Think Oregon Trails meets Candyland. There’s so many opportunities for fun. It’s cannalbilism for the whole family!

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2.  Tom Selleck’s Mustache Madness- I think it’s common knowledge that Tom Selleck’s mustache is a force to be reckoned with. So the fact that this game hasn’t been created yet, is frankly criminal. But let us right that wrong right now. This is a group game, like Charades or Cranium. Each person takes a turn reading a question. Then the other players must answer how Tom Selleck’s mustache would solve that scenario. The answers are read, and all the players must vote. The player with the most votes gets a point. Whoever has the most points at the end wins. For example – “Your car has just blown a tire. How would Tom Selleck’s mustache solve this problem?” Winning answer : “Tom Selleck’s current mustache would be taken off and used to patch the tire. His superhuman abilities would then allow him to regrow another one instantly for future emergencies.” See? How does this not exist. It would be the perfect party game.

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3.  Shark Attack – This is just Hungry Hungry Hippos with sharks. Not all good games need to be clever to be fun. And I love sharks.

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4.  Meth Trap - This would be kind of like Mouse Trap, where you’re continuously building throughout the game. As the game progresses you get new pieces to build your meth lab. The first player to build there own meth lab wins. But complications can arise. Mainly your meth lab exploding (It would have real exploding pieces similar to Weapons & Warriors). Then you have to start over. It’s fun, you get to build stuff, and while learning the horrible consequences that go with building a meth lab. This would most likely go in the educational section of the gaming store.

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5.  Monopoly (Thomas Edison edition) - Basically this is just Monopoly. But instead of getting to pick different pieces, everyone is Thomas Edison. And the whole point is still to see who takes over the board first. Mainly because Thomas Edison was a greedy son of a bitch who made Nikola Tesla’s life a living hell. And couldn’t get his stupid face out of the spotlight for three seconds! I’m sorry…  This turned out to be more of a personal vendetta than a board game. I just needed to get that off my chest. But I think you’ll still enjoy the other four. Happy playing!

ted32

19 days ago Short URL 25 Comments

Random/Humor

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01

May

Notes To Self

In my constant quest of self improvement, I carry around a small notebook to write notes to myself.  That way whenever I come across an important bit of wisdom, I can record it.  So instead of being selfish, I thought I’d share what I’ve written down in the last week…

1. Stop bragging to people about being good at laser tag.

2. Next time you go to a social gathering, make sure to clarify that you are a good “wrapper”. Not a good “rapper”.

3. Jellyfish do not like surfers either.

4. When my girlfriend tells me to take out the trash, she is referring to actual garbage, and not bazooka-ing bad guys.

5. Dog bites hurt way more than dog barks. That saying was a lie.

6. Hot moms do not like the term “hot moms”.

7. Axe Body Spray has come out with a scent called “Anarchy”. Finally a hygiene product to match my political views.

8. Girlfriend’s birthday is the same day as Pearl Harbor day. Never forget.

9. I’ve always wondered what eating hot lava would feel like. After eating boiling hot refried beans, I no longer need to wonder.

10. Crocheting looks interesting. But until I can make body armor out of yarn, I will have to put this on hold. 

11. There are two types of people in this world – Billy Joel fans. And not Billy Joel fans.

12. Not all spiders are mean. Stop being racist.

13. Hang glider has a tear. Make sure to repair by Friday.

14. Jenga is the only construction work you can legally do drunk.

15. Can dragons eat ice cream? Research futher.

qti8

24 days ago Short URL 37 Comments

Humor/Random

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29

Apr

5 Poisons That Are Healthy

Generally poisons are thought of as well, poisonous. Poisons come in many varities and forms- alcohol poisoning, toxic fumes, and of course the classic assassin poison dart. Yes, all of those are harmful. But let’s not forget that poisons can actually be healthy for you too! Here let me give you some examples -

1.  Exercise - Symptoms : Sore muscles, increased heart rate, loss of breath, and severe sweating. Hmm… Sounds like poison to me. Yet exercise is actually good for you. It is so powerful, it can actually shrink your body size! You can lose 20, to 50, to even 100 pounds! That is definitely some amazing poison.

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2.  Sleep - Symptoms : Dreamlike hallucinations, slowed breathing and heart rate, and can even cause unintelligible talking. If we don’t sleep, our bodies will physically shut down. Yet when we do it, we actually go into a self – induced coma. Then when you finally wake up, there’s a 5-10 minute hangover-like feeling as you regain your faculties. I can understand why insomnia is so popular.

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3.  Food - Symptoms : Once ingested can cause sleepiness, sluggishness, and an overall uncomfortable sensation around the abdomen. Every time you eat, you are putting foreign substances into your body! But if you don’t do this, your body won’t get the nutrients it needs to survive. Then you will die. If that isn’t strange enough, you must eat at least 3 times a day! Insanity I tell you.

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4. Water - Symptoms : While consuming, causes pause in breathing, and excessive urination. To further illustrate the dangers of water, a large amount of it can actually cause death by drowning! Even more ironic, our bodies are made up of 70% water. That is simply asinine. But if you don’t drink water, you will die of dehydration. This is one of the most important necessary poisons of all.

w51

5. Math - Symptoms : Headaches, frustration, and anger. We use it everyday, but it is the leading cause of brain explosions. To prevent this, calculators were invented. Despite its many dangers, it is essential in our day to day life. It helps you pay for groceries,  utilities, and other bills. So make sure to think of this list before you call poison control.

c32

26 days ago Short URL 9 Comments

Humor/Random

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22

Apr

5 Reasons To Love Monday

Most people dread Mondays.  It marks the beginning of the work week, you can’t sleep in, and traffic is awful.  But let’s not forget about all the good things that a Monday can bring.  Don’t worry, I’m not adding more to your work load. I’ve already come up with a list.  See?  One less thing to worry about!

1.  Story opportunities –  Normally getting drunk over the weekend and passing out on your coffee table would be embarrassing.  You have a giant cut above your eye, and now you have to use strategically stacked DVDs to set your coffee and “important” work papers on.  But when you show up on Monday with that ugly wound, you can just tell everyone at work how you got in a huge fight defending some less fortunate person’s honor.  You’ll be a hero, and probably catch the attention of that special someone.  You are a protector, and would therefore make a good life partner.

business group standing around water cooler.

2.  Pranks - Mondays are the one day of the week, where it is socially acceptable to be late.  And many people take full advantage of that.  You on the other hand are not one of those people.  Why you ask?  Because when you get there early you can set up pranks. Whether it’s starting a small cubicle fire, or just putting super glue on your neighbor’s chair.  You’re bound to get a good chuckle, and full accolades from your boss for showing others not to be late.  You’ll never worry about oversleeping again.

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3.  Phil Collins birthday - Now his birthday doesn’t happen on a Monday every year of course.  But it has at least a few times in his life.  And what doesn’t turn frowns upside down, like the song “Sussudio”?  Just turn that song on in your cubicle, and now you have yourself a party.  A Phil Collins birthday party!  Oh, and don’t worry about bringing your own booze, because all the drinks are on the house.  He’s filthy rich.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he also has free elephant rides in the backyard.  Or maybe a life sized castle sculpted out of ice.  Yay for Phil Collins!

4.  Happy hour lasts longer - Almost every restaurant or bar has some form of happy hour on Monday.  And because it’s a Monday, they don’t expect very much customer traffic.  Which means happy hour starts earlier, and ends later.  They don’t actually expect people to come in and drink, so why not slash those drink prices down? It couldn’t hurt business right?  Wrong.  Yet again, they have underestimated you.  Show them what you’re made of.  Drink like it’s Saturday, and time travel right into Tuesday morning.

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5.  Only four more days - When you’re awoken from your drunken stupor by the light of the rising morning sun, don’t cry or feel sorry for yourself.  You made it through the hardest day of the week.  You only have four more days to go champ! And don’t forget Tuesday is short for Taco Tuesdays!  Now go attack the rest of the week like you always do.  You’re a winner!

odtgh68

33 days ago Short URL 12 Comments

Humor/Random

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15

Apr

How To Survive A Pterodactyl Attack

Now I’m not stupid.  I know there hasn’t been a pterodactyl attack since the late 1960′s.  But let’s face it.  Global warming has been causing us quite a few problems of late.  My guess is the pterodactyl habitats will be the next to be affected, causing them to seek refuge elsewhere.  First we might notice a few sightings, then a few turns into hundreds, and hundreds turns into all out pterodactyl war.  London barely survived the first war.  I don’t think we could handle another one.  That’s why I think it’s important to spread awareness on how to protect yourself, in case you are attacked.  Here are a few life saving tips.

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1.  Wear a shirt made of knives - Yes, technically you can also wear chainmail if you don’t want to spend the extra money for a knife shirt.  The chainmail will protect you from their talons, and the material is heavy enough to keep you from being swooped off the ground.  But if one of these bastards is going to attack me, I want him to have something to remember me by.  I want him to hestitate next time he tries to pick up some “easy prey”.  Nothing does that better than multiple lacerations to your feet.

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2. Always be aware of weather conditions - Summer is a very popluar season, and with good reason.  You can go camping, swimming, barbecuing, and the list goes on. Nothing but clear skies.  You can’t wish for anything better than that.  Wrong.  You know who else loves summer?  Pterodactyls.  Nothing makes hunting easier than clear flying conditions, and crowds of people gathered together in one convenient spot. Imagine flying above Coachella or Bonnaroo.  By attending one of these music festivals it’s like you’re asking to be eaten.  That’s why I always recommend doing all traveling or extracurricular activities during snow or hailstorms.  You may not be comfortable, but neither will the Pterodactyls.  Plus, as long as you have good friends and booze, it won’t matter where you are.

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3.  Take pilot lessons - Do you want to live your life as a sheep or a wolf?  If you said sheep, than you’re wasting both our time.  Pterodactyls need to know if they attack us, there will be consequences.  You kill one of us, we kill three of you.  And the only way to do that is by beating them at their own game – flying.  Pterodactyls are expert hunters, and fliers.  They glide effortlessly through the air, with manuvers that would make anything in Top Gun look like childs play.  But last time I checked, machine guns and heat seeking missiles beat talons everytime. Whether you learn to fly a plane, jet, or zeppelin, is up to you.  But all of them have their uses, and will help further the war effort.  Do your part and learn to fly something.

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4.  Familarize yourself with the latest harpoon gun and bazooka models - Of course a fully armed F-16 is going to be more effective than a bazooka.  But for economic reasons, not every single person can have their own personal jet.  But shoulder rockets and old fashioned whaling guns are another story. Not to mention, some missions may call for more of a scapel approach than a baseball bat, if I can use that analogy.  Also, I don’t want any green party members to think I don’t care about the enviroment. Harpoons only hurt the Pterodactyls.  Let’s not forget that abusing mother nature is what caused this whole fiasco in the first place.

hgun2

5.  Treat everyone with kindess - Pterodactyls have no understanding of kindness. Their hearts are made of hate, and death runs in their veins.  Everytime you treat another human with malice or disdain, you’re acting just like a Pterodactyl.  Plus, you could be dead at any moment.  Taking out that trash, may be the last thing you ever do.  So be nice, and wave to everyone.  You’re neighbor may not warn you if he sees a swooping Pterdactyl coming down, after your dog just took a shit on his lawn.  Treat people how you would like to be treated, and you’ve already won half the battle.

csuntyu

40 days ago Short URL 24 Comments

Humor/Random

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08

Apr

Rattlesnake Problem

snakepic

Ha! Is this some kind of sick joke?  I’ll start showing rattlesnakes respect when they start earning it. Everyone knows rattlesnakes come from a long line of thieves and liars. Not to mention they’re a bunch of hole living pagans.

When I was in the sixth grade, I let a rattlesnake borrow my Best of Hall & Oates CD. Guess what?  He still has it.  I should’ve known something was up, when he said his favorite song was “Private Eyes”.  Snakes can’t even see color!  He was mocking me to my face, and robbing me blind. But that’s a rattlesnake for you.

So when you see these signs ignore them. Don’t fall for this rattlesnake propaganda. These creatures act like animals, and should be treated as such. Only a heathen would bite someone, over sitting down and having an adult conversation. Hopefully someday, we can live in a world without snakes. But until that day, feel free to stomp and make loud noises as you please. Thank you, and good day.

47 days ago Short URL 38 Comments

Humor/Random

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03

Apr

How High School Was Like Prohibition

Prohibition was a ban on the sale, manufacture, and transportation of alcohol during the 1920′s and early 30′s in American history.  For some reason, the irony of this never hit me in high school, when I was actually studying it.  It probably had something to do with the brain cells I was destroying, living out my own anti-prohibition movement every weekend.  I mean, think of the excuses I could’ve used if I had only been paying attention- “You don’t understand officer, I’m doing a school project by reliving life during the Volstead Act!”  The police officer would’ve let me off on principal alone.  But no, I had to be an ignoramus.  Don’t be like me.  Read this and educate yourself.

1.  Anti-Saloon League - They were the leading organization campaigning for Prohibition, and one of the main reasons it passed. “Most” parents fall into this category.  And I don’t blame them.  Having to take care of a drunk person when you’re sober is a punishment worse than death.  Taking care of a drunk teenager is something I wouldn’t wish on a terrorist.  They don’t know their limits, or how to handle themselves.  They’re like the ebola virus.  But an ebola virus that you have to pick up at two in the morning, who won’t shut the fuck up, and barfs in your car.  So as an adult now, I get why my parents might have been a little mad from time to time.

sal5576

2.  Bootleggers -  Despite alcohol being illegal during Prohibition, it wasn’t hard to find.  You just had to know the right people.  There were many different avenues to buy alcohol from, at a variety of prices and quality.  High school was no different.  Fake IDs, older siblings, or homeless guys were always solid go-to sources.  To further bring the point home, there was even fellow classmates I knew that would steal alcohol for a price.  If that’s not bootlegging, then I don’t know what is.

by7887

3.  Transport Of Goods –  During Prohibition, bootleggers found clever ways to smuggle in cases of liquor.  Whether it was using secret panels in their cars to conceal the booze, altering clothing, or driving caravans over dangerous frozen lakes.  These motivated individuals always found a way.  I’d like to think my friends and I carried on their adventurous spirit.  We had a graduation trip to Disneyland, which meant big risks sneaking in booze, with even bigger conquences.  But that did not deter us, for we had ingenuity on our side.  Pints of liquor fit great in cereal boxes, and can also be injected into oranges.  Teachers may know a lot, but apparently they didn’t know this. 

trbt

4.  Speakeasies -  Were establishments that illegally sold alcoholic beverages during Prohibition.  A person could congregate with other drinkers, and enjoy the nightlife.  High school had these too.  They were made up by the homes of  kids with “cool parents.”  Which is code for parents who don’t care about them.  That, or they were just never around.  So we kids had free reign!  These were the places you would go to on a regular basis, and drink until someone barfed or got pregnant.  Usually both.  Eventually these safe havens were discovered, as the police received noise complaints or property damage became excessive.  Even cool parents don’t like their tables smashed in half from keg stand accidents.

spk234

5.  Raids - Speakeasies weren’t invincible.  If they became too popular and the word got out, the police would come a-knocking.  If these cops couldn’t be bought, then you could guarantee they were going to come in and smash up the joint.  Speakeasy owners would need to hide the evidence, and patrons would need to disappear.  What do you think happens at a high school party?  I have seen an entire keg thrown through a fence on at least two occassions.  Of course the cops found it next to the keg sized hole in the fence, but at least we were being proactive.  And in terms of disappearing, that was never a problem.  A simple fence hop, or bush dive was sufficient.  Police officers, even bored ones, do not enjoy giving chase so they can call some drunk kid’s parents.

prd12

52 days ago Short URL 15 Comments

Humor/Random

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