Feats of Strength!

Definition - An almost godlike display of courage or might, usually accompanied by chanting onlookers screaming “feats of strength”. (This is of course, the internationally recognized definition. You may find other definitions on the interwebs.)

Feats of Strength

Below are some of my personal examples. Please do not attempt any of these activities at home. They are incredibly dangerous. (Unless you’re trying to impress babes. Which in that case, do all of them at the same time.)

  1. I can eat gluten and dairy products without getting sick.
  2. I once made my bed in complete darkness. When I turned on the lights, it was perfectly tucked.
  3. I have seen “The Sound of Music” seventy-three times.
  4. I once boogie boarded for three straight hours, and wasn’t embarrassed.
  5. I can say cuss words in Croatian.
  6. I successfully separated two frozen turkey patties without endangering myself, or those around me.
  7. I own “Terminator 2: Judgement Day” on VHS.
  8. I have read every single book in the Chronicles of Narnia series.
  9. I can do sit ups under water.
  10. I once met the lead singer of a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band.
  11. I have never fallen off the top bunk.
  12. When I was four, I won a Little Mermaid coloring contest at the local movie theater.
  13. I have kissed a girl before.
  14. I once farted really loud, and then blamed it on the dog. Everyone believed me.
  15. I didn’t get carpal tunnel writing this immensely long list of achievements.
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38 thoughts on “Feats of Strength!

    • Don’t worry. I didn’t bring up any of my boat shoes feats. I know I could never compare with your prowess.

      And also, long time no see friend. Digital high five!

  1. I can’t handle a lot of lactose, so I was immediately impressed by #1, but things went quickly downhill from there.

    Weren’t you whining on Facebook a while back about #6? Next time you want to brag about separating frozen patties made out of dead animal:

    1. Don’t cry about how hard it was on Facebook.
    2. Make the meat beef or bison or anything more manly than turkey.
    3. Bonus tip: If you’ve also successfully separated frozen salmon burgers or crab cakes, keep it to yourself.

    • Ed who let you out of the basement?! You know you’re not aloud to comment in front of my blog friends! I mentioned it on here after Facebook, because I vanquished that shit. That’s why it’s called a “Feat of Strength.” Don’t be an idiot.

  2. Okay. Seriously. Can I just say that I would like to give you a major high-five and fist bump (especially for #’s 1, 7, 8, 12, 13, and 14)?! Couple things: I still own (and watch) my very loved and worn-out copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on VHS. Chronicles of Narnia are definitely in my top 5 favorite book series. My name means “she-who-farts-but-successfully-blames-it-on-the-dog. And last but not least, gluten and dairy are my life!!!!! Wait. Perhaps we should have a Feats of Strength-Off sometime. Do you accept, Mr. Andrew? ;)

  3. You must a champion winner at Festivus. “A Festivus for the Rest of Us!” “Let the feats of strength begin!” Be careful if you try the Festivus Pole Dance, though – that pole looks none too stable. A bit like my Polish uncle, but that’s another story for another time and place.

    • No, because no one can. Feats of Strength are god-“like”. We’re not actually gods. Only real gods could open plastic product casings without a bowie knife.

  4. #6 is quite impressive. Truly. I’m still on The Horse and His Boy, damnit! Why can’t I finish that one? What’s wrong with meeeee?

    I bet this drives you nuts not to finish, “doe, a deer, a-“

    • I’m guffawing at your buffoonery good sir. It tis a classic, and classics never go out of style. (I’m talking in character. One of the many things you can learn from Sound of Music.)

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