1. The Facebook “likes” – Are you tired of those Olive Garden pics that only get you two or three likes? With just boring comments like “Yum!” Or “Mmm… Bread sticks!” What you need to do is put a ring on it. After you post that, you’ll have more “likes” than you have friends. You can make it rain “likes”. People who don’t even like or know you, will like your pic. It’s a surefire way to get attention and praise.
2. Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards – Now I love “luau party” scented candles as much as the next guy. But I absolutely hate paying $15 dollars for them. Not to worry though. Once you get married people give you gifts. And those gifts are usually one of two things – microwaves or Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards. So at least half of your presents will be awesome.
3. One last name – I don’t know about you, but I am sick to death of having to write two last names when we do anything. My girlfriend is always asking me – “Hey, do want to join a dodgeball league in town? Or maybe go kayaking?” And I always say no, because who wants to do all that extra writing. And dinner reservations, who’s last name do we put it under? Yours or mine? I don’t know, flip a coin. Boom, next thing you know you’re in an argument. Talk about stressful. Thank goodness for name changes.
4. You can finally stop living in sin – Everyone knows that premarital sex is against the law. Plus babies born out of wedlock are usually color blind. The best way to put a stop to these crimes is to get hitched. That is unless you want to live like a pagan. And do you know who else lived like pagans? Druids. And Druids believed in human sacrifice. Just a little something to think about the next time you’re getting randy with your unwed partner.
5. No more farting in secret - Fear of long car rides, or movies will be a thing of the past. As soon as you’re married, just let it rip. Fart as much as you want. On the couch, in the kitchen, or even when you’re hugging. You know, or whatever you want to do. Because now that you’re joined in holy matrimony, everything is out in the open. And the other person has to accept it. All of your secrets. Even fart secrets.