Drunken Book Club with Snake Johnson

Me and some friends recently started a book club. I’d like to say it was to increase our literary prowess. But in reality, I think we just wanted to get drunk on a Thursday. Our first book is James Joyce’s Ulysses. Which is kind of like picking Mount Everest as your first hike. I need Spark Notes to decipher 70% of it. But at least I have something to brag about at a fancy dinner party, or use to bludgeon a burglar if my house is broken into. And while were on the subject of bludgeoning, I think it’s appropriate to bring up what else I’ve been reading to balance out this epic. Something so stupid, violent, and ridiculous that it might very well raise Mr. Joyce from the grave so that he may slap my face. That’s right, I’m talking about 60’s and 70’s men’s adventures novels.

Instead of wasting time explaining the genre, let me just show you. I think you’ll get the idea pretty quickly. Here are some “books” I picked up at the local flea market.

Nuclearnude

Let me share a little excerpt from the back – “Then one of the free-loving flower children pulls a double cross, and Sam is caught by two killers in a torture dungeon – Chinese style.” As you can tell, all these books are very PC. In the first 20 pages, he fights four naked women in a swamp. Later on he teams up with a seven foot triad named Red Rod, as they battle Madam Hung in the perilous Seven Pleasure Isles of Singapore. But this was like reading Dickens compared to my next book.

DM

This may be the best worst book I have ever read. Like EVER. And before I over hype this one, I did some research, and found out there are over 70 novels written about this guy. In one he fights five separate clones of himself! Now I’m only 30 pages in, but let me give you some samples here….

Dialogue -

  • “Hasta luego Hot Tamale!” he said before blowing away a Federale.

Description -

  • ….The Mex Fed’s skull came apart like a jigsaw puzzle hit by a hand grenade!
  • The Death Merchant, feeling as unwelcome as a virgin in Sodom and Gomorrah…

Inner monologue while running through a hotel after killing 14 people in a matter of minutes -

  • Question: How do you hide a 28.7-inch-long submachine gun?
  • Answer: You don’t! And you don’t have time to linger!

Now your surprised you didn’t read this in school along with Catcher and the Rye right? The literary significance is uncanny I know. But let me show you my last book.

Mdeanmerc

I’ve only just started this one also. But in the first 15 pages, his “wild sex” with a French redhead is interrupted by two CIA agents. He answers the door in a bathrobe, that has a special pocket made in the inside for handguns. Which of course is full of handguns. He allows them to enter, only to find out they don’t want to take him in. They want to hire him! He tells them to wait, then goes back to having sex with her in the next room before giving his answer. What a guy!

Now I hope you’ve enjoyed this little walk down Reading With Idiots, because I know I sure did. In honor of all these fantastic reads, I’ve decided to create my own men’s adventure novel. I’m still in the process of writing it. But here’s a rough for the cover -

Andrew Scan

16 thoughts on “Drunken Book Club with Snake Johnson

  1. Ohmydearlord. Think my IQ dropped a bit reading those excerpts! lol
    As an aside, I love Dean Koontz’s stories, but sometimes his descriptions/metaphors literally make me have to close the book and walk away for a few moments.

    • I never read the Koontz. But I put him in there with all those airplane fiction guys. I’ll have to check him out at some point. I don’t know how anything could be more ridiculous than the books I’m reading.

    • You’re right. I didn’t notice that at first, but it’s a dead on assessment. I’ll write the author a hand written letter to inform him. I doubt he uses the internet if he’s still alive.

  2. You know, those books sound like a Robert Rodriguez movie. Would fit right in with Machete Kills.

    I think your book cover is just missing a girl in a bikini flying from the helicopter with a machine gun. Just my humble opinion.

    Can’t wait for Book #40!!

  3. One of the funniest / stupidest things the author does, which I forgot to mention. Is he gives every character that Death Merchant fights a first and last name. Sometimes even a small sentence or two back story. And he kills them all! Usually introducing them, and killing them in the same sentence. How much time did this guy waste making fucking names up?

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