04

Mar

How To Buy A Wolf Shirt

As most of you know, purchasing a new wolf shirt can be an important and painstaking process.  As difficult or even more so than buying a new car, a new home, or adopting a child.  You want to find that perfect wolf shirt that will not only meet your functional needs, but your fashion needs as well.  From someone that understands that burden, I’ve done my best to narrow down the most essential factors to make your purchasing process go as smooth as possible.  I will use a shirt I recently bought as an example.

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1.  Eye Placement – Always take notice of the placement of the wolf’s eyes.  Are they glowing?  Are they sad?  Are they wise?  There are many factors to consider, but those are some great starters.  You’ll notice on my shirt, the eyes are glowing and piercing. You can feel them in your very soul.  He is the alpha wolf.  And he knows you.  All of you.  Even the parts of you that you hide from the rest of the world.  But in addition to that omniscient gaze, notice the large size of the eyes.  Not to mention they are centrally located for optimal viewing pleasure.  Eye coverage to this degree is a rarity.  The previous owner of this shirt was a fool for donating it.  And so were the employees at the thrift store for selling this priceless article of clothing for so cheap.  But I wasn’t going to tell them that.

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2.  Pack Member Presence -  I know this is a touchy subject with most wolf enthusiasts.  But in my opinion, the inclusion of the other pack members is non negotiable.  Yes a lone wolf is very “cool”, and that rustic solitude can definitely be a thing of great beauty.  But people who wear those shirts are simply lying to themselves and insulting our intelligence.  Wolves are pack animals.  They depend on it for survival.  If you see someone with one of these shirts, laugh at them and tell them “Nice fannypack, loser.” (They will definitely be wearing one). As you can see my shirt has the full pack located at the bottom.

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3.  Moon Or Lack There Of - Ask me this same question tomorrow, and honestly my answer might be different.  I go back and forth on this.  Should there be a full moon in view somewhere on the shirt for it to be an authentic “wolf shirt”?  I mean yes, a big bright moon in the background can be hauntingly beautiful.  But is it necessary?  Are wolves not amazing in the daytime?  Does freshly killed prey taste any better bathed in moonlight?  See my point?  It’s a tough one.  My shirt does not have a moon on it, and that may bother some people.  But I could argue that the giant eye size would make up for it.

whmn

4.  Dreamcatchers -  Does a wolf shirt look better with a dreamcater on it?  Yes.  Everything looks better with dreamcatchers on them.  Am I disappointed that my shirt does not have one?  Of course I am.  But sitting around lamenting about it wouldn’t change anything.

wdrct

5.  Additional Animals – A common misconception is that having additional animals (i.e. eagles and bears) on a shirt, can actually enhance the shirt.  To me that is a moot point.  If you’re buying a wolf shirt, you need to focus on the above criteria.  If you need extra “animal power”, then you’re clearly not a wolf purist, and you’re reading the wrong blog.  Although eagles and bears are great, I’ve always been more of a wolf guy.  It’s not something I chose.  I was born that way.  So to me personally, I don’t think they belong on a wolf shirt.

mbwsh

Well I hope this helped.  Buying those shirts will still be difficult, and I don’t envy you.  But at least you’ll have some fodder for the fire going in.  Oh and I almost forgot.  My shirt rating.  I give it four out of five fangs.  It almost reaches perfection, but misses slightly due to the lack of  dreamcatchers.  So I had to deduct a fang.  Happy hunting!

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174 thoughts on “How To Buy A Wolf Shirt”

  2. Reblogged this on and commented:
    Important wolf shirt buying advice from a guy who lives across the country and once stayed in the same exact building I did on the exact same trip I went on just a few months before I did. Enjoy.

    Reply ↓

  3. Wow Andrew talk about roaring back into blogging! This is fantastic and educational, the art is inspiring. My ex-sister-in-law and her husband are big wolf enthusiasts and have many wolf t-shirts. They also have wolf posters (art) and a framed copy of the wolf prayer in the dining room of the double wide. Thank you for this. I had never before thought about the impact, the import of the dreamcatcher. Now I know.

    Reply ↓

    • Cat shirts have an entirely different set of rules, and they’re broken into two categories: “wild”, and “domestic”. Unfortunately that’s all I know. If you needed more, you would have to ask a cat expert.

      Reply ↓

  5. I beg to differ on the topic of dream catchers. In my humble estimation, they add an unecessary “chick” element to what should be a manly garment. To further prove my point, look at the obviously blow-dried hair on the dreamcatcher wolves; I wouldn’t be surprised if those wolves had styling gel on them and maybe some mascara to bring out the lashes on their dreamy eyes. Even the word “dream” is fairly girlish, unless you’re dreaming about having a keg-er-ator and an 82″ flat screen for the big game.

    By the way – Welcome back! Either my “reader” hasn’t been working or you’ve been on sabatical over in county for 3 months or so.

    Reply ↓

    • Dream catchers are made from magic. Magic comes from wizards. Wizards are badass and super metal. Therefore making dream catchers badass. Sorry, but it’s just science.

      Reply ↓

      • Dream catchers are first cousins to dream weavers, and we know how sappy that song was.

        Also, when you talk about wizards, you’re not referring to Harry Potter are you? Sorry, but wizards are too close to unicorns and pixies living under rainbow colored mushrooms for my taste. But if that’s what floats your boat…then set your sails for adventure my friend!

      • Dream catchers are first cousins to dream weavers, and we know how sappy that song was.

        Also, when you talk about wizards, you’re not referring to Harry Potter are you? Sorry, but wizards are too close to unicorns and pixies living under rainbow colored mushrooms for my taste. But if that’s what floats your boat…then set your sails for adventure my friend!

    • Yeah, definitely don’t focus too much on the moon issue. I used to stress eat over it, and I was only hurting myself. I’d worry more about the pack member presence.

      Reply ↓

  9. Since you were Freshly Pressed, I was expecting a comprehensive guide, but you seem to have missed the most critical consideration. Glo-in-the dark. Piercing eyes are of little worth if they cannot be seen in my dark bedroom by the glow of my computer.

    Well done otherwise!

    Reply ↓

    • Wait, are you referencing pre-code wolf law? I only follow the wolf code post 2006. The elder wolf lords found that studies showed glo-in-the-dark to be harmful to sleeping habits.

      Reply ↓

      • Thank you for your insight and wisdom. I now feel qualified to purchase a wolf shirt. This article couldn’t come at a better time, really. My husband and I were at an impasse.

  11. My guilty pleasure is wolf shirts. I took it a step further the other day and purchased wolf socks.. no one must know.

    ps. You are so right.. the placement of eyes is totally key

    Reply ↓

    • I’m actually pretty impressed, because wolf socks are only available in Prague. I won’t make you give me your secrets. But let’s just say I’m jealous.

      Reply ↓

  15. Pingback: Notes | Weblogs and Wiki Reviews

    • It’s like Mary Poppins always says, ” A spoonful of laughs makes the lunch go..” No that’s not it… “Lunch is always good with spoons…” I give up. But thanks for reading!

      Reply ↓

    • My main goal was to be educational (not really), so enjoyable comes as a plus (pretend I’m saying that in a school teacher voice). Thanks for reading!

      Reply ↓

  22. If you let the shirt get full of holes and then don’t shave your chest and back hair, you’ll have a completely new set of questions to ponder.

    1. Should you tell people that you are a werewolf up front or conceal the fact until the full moon? Not everyone is cool with it. Also, some friends may own guns and know how to melt down silver.

    2. Should you hide the shirt under another shirt on the full moon so that you can rip it off with a blood curdling howl.at the moment of peak transformation? It might be worth it to have a video of your friends wetting themselves up on YouTube.

    3. Is it important to never let the shirt touch water in order to maintain the highest level of werepower or can you trust Mrs. Wolf to toss it in with the darks? It might be safe as none of that unwolfy fabric softener is involved.

    Reply ↓

    • I’m sorry, but I can’t get past point #1. You “may have” friends that can melt down silver to make bullets. You need to know the answer to that. In spy school I learned to make bullets out of ice (or anything really). When a battle comes (and they will), you need to be prepared. Always know your team.

      Reply ↓

  23. The music choice was spot on :D Haha. I didn’t know the inclusion of other animals was appropriate and I think a full moon is a definite must have.

    But, one lingering question remains… can the shirt be big enough to have both a wolf and a dragon in the same shirt? I think the awesomeness quota would just implode.

    Reply ↓

  27. Pingback: Insert Well Worded Title Here: ________________ | Two Cents

  32. Reblogged this on amykilp's Blog and commented:
    In keeping with “What has America become” political theme that is becoming increasingly popular during Obama’s second term, I thought I might join the banter and ask; “Exactly what HAS come of our great country where we, of all people, need instructions on buying a wolf shirt?”
    It could be argued that wolves originated in North America, and migrated to other continents. If this is true, then America is the birthplace of the wolf species itself. A country that birthed these bristling pups needs education on buying a shirt to reflect our history? What has become of us indeed, good people.

    Reply ↓

      • I’ll see what I can do. I feel I should mention that I once saw a small japanese “suped-up” car that had the entire hood painted with a pin-up girl a wolf and a full moon… I saw it coming out of the movie theatre one day and yes, it was better than whatever movie I saw that night.

      • Yeah I bet. That’s unbeatable. Orson Welles would never have made Citizen Kane if he knew car hoods like that existed. Awesome wolf story.

  35. Pingback: wolf shirt wednesday | a glittering life

  36. I agree with the comment that was down on the dreamcatcher. Not because it’s girlie, as he claimed, but because people who wear dreamcatcher paraphenalia are generally pretending to have a trace of Native American blood, i.e., “My great grandmother always said that Great Uncle Ethan had Cherokee blood – you could tell by his cheekbones.” I think your shirt deserves the five fangs.
    Oh – and your blog deserves the Freshly Pressed! How cool that you were recognized just after your (apparent) re-entry. Congrats!

    Reply ↓

  38. I once had a Harley Davidson T-shirt with an eagle head on it that I bought at K-Mart in Mechanicsburg, PA. For my twelve-year old self, it felt pretty cool but I am humbled by your wolf shirt. Second-hand too.

    Reply ↓

    • Flea markets are a great place. But I recommend asking to see the “good stuff”. That’s what they keep under the tables and only sell to professionals. The fact that you ask them, will show your prowess, and you’ll get the best.

      Reply ↓

  46. Pingback: How To Buy A Wolf Shirt | littleinkblot

  49. This is perhaps an unfairly aggressive assertion on my part, but in my opinion it’s not a real wolf shirt if there’s no moon in the background.

    As ever there’s one (arguable) exception – a Native American princess (and of course she must be some form of royalty, notwithstanding that this and ‘princess’ are culturally insensitive titles).

    But that’s only acceptable in certain, specific circumstances AKA when I say so.

    Finally, a dreamcatcher is in no way, shape or form a suitable substitute for a moon.

    No way, no how, no sir.

    On an unrelated note, I’m particularly keen on similar iconography being incorporated into framed artworks for the house. Especially if details are picked out in glow in the dark paint.

    Reply ↓

      • Those punks are a group of pinko commies – I was forced to resign from the council over ‘coyotegate’.

        History (and biology) will prove me right however; a coyote is not a wolf and it should never have been considered a valid alternative.

  50. Reblogged this on X Twain and commented:
    Writers and even real people would do well to connect with/tap into the spirit power of the animal world around us – or far from us, in many cases. But how to begin? Andrew from the “Shut Up Dad” blog offers sage advice on choosing one medium of spirit power, the Wolf Shirt. (Let me add one other piece of advice: If you will be wearing this as your lucky talisman and constant companion while you complete your first novel, await word on that job application, or place a season’s worth of bets on sporting events … please buy two of these. Lucky shirt research has shown that removing one such item of clothing for a few moments while replacing it with an identical item that has been laundered, does not impair the efficacy of such items. Or you could just shower with laundry soap…

    Reply ↓

  54. Man, I always knew I should quit comedy blogging and start fashion blogging if i wanted to get freshly pressed. But now I don’t know what to think.

    Reply ↓

  56. This is awesome. I think you need to meet my brother-in-law–he bought all of his groomsmen wolf shirts. Too bad you hadn’t published this earlier.

    Reply ↓

    • What?! That’s one of the coolest “groomsmen” things I’ve ever heard. I wish your brother-in-law was my brother-in-law. It’s like a tuxedo shirt, but times a million.

      Reply ↓

  57. Pingback: wolf shirt wednesday | a glittering life

  58. Oh ayyy ayy yeah oh ayyyeaahhhh ohh ayyy ayyy eeeyyeahhhh

    I am indeed in possession of a wolf singular shirt, which I have paired with a fannypack at least once before. I would ask how you could have possibly known, but it’s really quite obvious, isn’t it? That said, I was intending for the fannypack to have a claw-slashing lightning-bolt-spewing wolf on it as well, but that part hasn’t happened yet. Must get the rest of the pack involved.

    Reply ↓

  60. So, what about the baying issue? The challenge with baying, as I see it, is that baying wolves squint, rendering the crucial eye factors you mentioned impossible. However, is the act of baying more wolfly than a piercing gaze?

    As was mentioned above, gas stations and party stores in Michigan are THE place to find all manner of wolf shirts, with and without dream catchers. The further North you go on I-75, the more dream catchers you’ll find on the shirts (for sale and worn by locals). It is my solemn belief that authentic wolf shirts originated in the UP. Hit the tourist shops in St. Ignace for the mother lode. Michigan is also THE place to find Husky (dog) shirts, bear shirts, deer shirts, eagle shirts and the occasional trout shirt.

    I had a roommate from Escanaba (in the UP, natch) who had wolf blanket. It was glorious. It had a pack, a full moon, and what I presume were Mr. and Mrs. Wolf. Mrs. Wolf, the she wolf, (I presume it was a girl, it looked feminine) was perched on a rocky cliff baying mournfully at a full moon. The other wolf, I presume Mr., the he wolf (it looked suitably masculine) was ghostly outlined above the moon, in the stars, with a piercing yet faraway gaze. I presume the story was that Mr. Wolf had gone to the big dream catcher in the sky and Mrs. Wolf was baying in grief while the pack looked on. The weird thing about the scene on the blanket was that the wolf pack included Huskies. I’m no expert on this but Huskies don’t mingle with wolves, do they?

    Reply ↓

    • Okay now I feel like an idiot for not doing a post about Wolf blankets! I’m jealous you saw this in person. And plus the trout shirts sounds equally powerful. I’m a big fan of “Fish or die” stickers / shirts.

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      • You gotta go to northern Michigan. Bear in a forest clearing illuminated by lightening shirts are pretty awesome, too, especially when displayed on a plastic hanger hanging from the cigarette rack above the cash register of a party store, just above the display of panties shaped into roses and cassettes from 1980.

        I should have taken a photo of the blanket for posterity’s sake. But. The blanket’s owner was super slutty. I mean, like freakishly slutty, not just regular college sophomore year slutty. My other roommates and I concluded her ravenous sexual appetite was somehow tied to that blanket. No one wanted to get too near it, you never knew what was under it.

  61. Reblogged this on Confessions of a Closet Girly Girl and commented:
    Wolf, bear, deer, eagle and trout shirts are fashion staples for certain types of people, especially guys, in my home state. Every guy owns at least one and rotates it with his Red Wings jersey and Dokken or Slayer shirt. Typically worn under a camo jacket. I never thought much about it until I moved away. I rarely see a guy wearing one unless I’m visiting family back home. I kinda miss those kind of guys. This post nails the crucial factors in selecting a Wolf Shirt.

    Reply ↓

  62. This is a very useful guide and I have sent it to all my friends in hope that they’ll finally buy me an appropriate birthday present. My biggest regret in life is not acquiring the three wolf van that was just up the street from me. It didn’t have dream catchers though, so now I realize that it was a dud.

    Reply ↓

  65. Great post. Our last name is Wolfe, so we are always on the lookout for new shirts. Although I have to argue I like your shirt the way it is, I don’t think it would look better with a dream catcher on it! =)

    Reply ↓

  72. Pingback: From the Minds of Children | Sandy the Social Butterfly

    • Women have had breasts for millions of years. But even the most advanced wolf shirt technology, is only decades old. At the moment this area is still in development, but is currently being addressed.

      Reply ↓

  75. Pingback: Around the web – the almost weekend edition | amaroedolce

  77. Pingback: How To Buy A Wolf Shirt | The Blog Babe

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