Come one, come all! If you have an ailment, than I have the cure! You no longer have to worry about dangerous diseases like measles, blindness, or pregnancy. From deep into the Orient, to our own backyard. I’ve seen it all folks! Step right up and see! Here are just a few of my magical remedies-
Devil Be Gone Elixer- Is your child a ginger? Is someone else you know plagued with the curse of fire? Being touched by the devil is serious business. Don’t let him take away any more of your loved ones. Turn their hair from red to brown, with a simple pour of the elixer. Made from holy water, and actual mud touched by John the Baptist. You can finally go back to church, and be seen in public without persecution.
Sea Serpent Powder- Made from scales of the great underwater creature herself- the loch ness monster! Only three people known to man have caught a glimpse of this magnificent beast. I, the only one to touch her, was able to grab a handful of scales on that fateful day. Scales that I then turned into a powder. A powder more rare and valuable than all the gold in the world. Mix one spoonful into your tea, twice a day. It’s guaranteed to cure impotence and any other issues pertaining to bad character.
Bottled Moon Beams- Tired of candles? Are lanterns too expensive? What’s this electricity you speak of? Believe me, I understand completely. Light your house for all eternity, with the power of the moon! Harnassed from fallen moonbeams found in Antarctica, and bottled for your convenience. You’ll never need another light source again. (Disclaimer- Will not work until night, so don’t ask. And I will not be here, for I have another pressing engagement in a nearby town. No refunds).
Wild Bobcat Muscle Balm- Made from genuine bobcat musk, this balm will guarantee you the strength of ten bobcats. In certain occasions, bobcats have even proven to be stronger than bears. You’ll be stronger than a bear! Now ain’t that swell? Just make sure and rub on your muscles before a good workout, and notice results instantly with the dames, and your punch!
Joan of Arc Wart Remover- Based on beauty secrets passed down from the centuries. This is the same recipe that Joan of Arc used to keep her face pretty and wart free during battle. And you know it’s the bee’s knee’s because it comes from France! France is just another way of saying fancy. You’ll be the bell of the ball at all your lady functions. You may even get the attention of that fella you’ve had your eyes on.
Fine sir! Where can I purchase some of your fine products? I insist on paying at least double!
And you shall sir! I’ll even throw in a lucky horseshoe because I like the cut of your jib.
I will take three bottles of Sea Serpent Powder, since I am, alas, a coward with a terrible character. Please let me know to whom I may send my bank account information and PIN codes! (Also, if I were to buy four bottles of Sea Serpent Powder, would you consider throwing in some Devil Be Gone Elixir for free? I have quite a few gingers that I would like to … help.)
Miss, I’m afraid I don’t understand what these “PIN codes” are. I only deal in cash, gold dust, or jewelry. But if you do indeed purchase four bottles of Sea Serpent Powder, I will throw in a vial of Devil Be Gone Elixer. As a God fearing man, I understand the trials and tribulations of being around red heads.
What?! No snake oil made from real snakes? What kind of scam is this? i have half a mind to put a hex on you.
Some of my associates got thrown in the joint for selling that. I had to ditch my stock in a ditch. That’s life on the road mister.
Well…I still remember that episode of Bonanza where you tricked Hoss into buying those bottles of Miracle Boner Pills. Poor Pa and Little Joe were traumatized!
They had it coming. You know that.
Poor Hoss….he shoulda listened when you told him about erections lasting more than 4 hours